Pro Pub Player's Perfectly Perturbed Plebs.

Pro Pub Player's Perfectly Perturbed Plebs.

Hey ho, peasants. The lord of Pub games has arrived once more to introduce you to the mind-numbing events that occur in the wonderful world of Dota 2.

Today I have a special treat for you, as this is one of those times when it's a whole cluster**** of failure. Not by me though. Nah. Never by me.

Rule #1 of this series: none of the fails displayed here are ever my fault. Ever. Don't even consider it.

---

On with the story!

All was quiet in the hero selection screen. Not a single person was making a sound, trying desperately to find the hero they wanted to fail at- I mean play. Eventually the enemy got the first pick, and a Russian by the name of *Insert Russian characters here* instalocked a Pudge. Always a good sign.

I was gifted the godlike power of the second pick. Do I counterpick the pudge for an easy lane? Do I set the course for the rest of the picks? Infinite choices, packed into a 40 second segment. I needed to decide. The fate of the world of Dota was IN MY HANDS.

I picked Puck. I like Puck. He's cute.

In the end, the rest of the plebs picked and this is what the teams looked like:
Enemies
Pudge
Axe
Invoker
Anti-Mage
Nyx Assassin.

Let us take a moment to talk about this lineup, and go in-depth about the chances of winning they had. *Clears throat*.........They were doomed.

Allies
Puck
Spirit Breaker
Legion Commander
Necrophos
Shadow Shaman

Well, I personally think that...Uhm...Er...Well what do you want from me? FINE *insert super deep team analysis here*

The stage was set for the most climactic Dota game of the century. One team would win. One...Wouldn't. It's obvious I've run out of pre-game comedic material here. Let's leave before this gets awkward

---

Early game

Truth be told, I paid very little attention to the other lanes unless I was ganking. So have fun witnessing the best mid since *Insert your favourite professional mid player here*.

The creeps came barrelling out of the barracks, swords eager for blood. Ready to tear apart enemies and their pathetic towers. These monsters would be stopped by no-one in their quest to rip at Dire flesh.

So a small blue faerie sat infront of them. They stopped moving.

They advanced around the faerie. He walked a few meters and did the same thing.

Finally, the river was in sight, and the blue creature finally stopped sitting in their faces.

They were ready for their ultimate destiny, they alone would survive this to tear asunder the opposing Ancient. The 4 of them would WIN THE GAME.

A hook was thrown. That number was reduced to 3.

What had occurred, you ask? Simple. The Pudge was tryharding, of course. He was smoked in the treeline on the Radiant side. He missed. I laughed in my head. Moving on.

This happened every minute or so. A hook would be thrown, he would either miss poorly or I would bait it out with Phase Shift. And then the weirdest thing happened.

"Oh my god can we report this Puck please? He keeps on glitching out of the map and avoiding my hooks"

...
...
...
...
*Checking steam.*
...
...
This guy was basically new to steam, it looked like. He owned dota and had played it for like 1 hour so far. Why in the name of all that is holy was I matched with this dust-tier peasant?

I decided to not say anything, hoping that he was a troll. Or a smurf that wanted to look like an idiot.

---

Mid game-Late game

Neither team was talking to each other, especially after the Pudge continued to spout nonsense. A few examples are:

"It's so broken that hero can just jump on me and make me unable to throw hooks."
"Ok why does that hero force me to attack her? Wtf is this!"
"That green guy is dealing damage to me for no reason. Report him for hacking pls."

Ladies and Gentlemen, pubs at its very finest.

The silence didn't last very long, as the enemy Anti-Mage rushed Skull Basher and most of his teammates were begging us to report him for it.

They were completely demoralised. Our ganks had been plentiful, and Legion won a duel every single time she used it.

There wasn't much to say about this game, it was a stomp. I usually don't enjoy stomps, but watching their Pudge's jimmies get more rustled than a plastic carrying bag made it all so, so worth it.

Puck is adorable.