So I'm a numbers guy, yeah? Lemme drop a little stats on you.

No one talks about stats like that. You are NOT the cool, young fresh Nahaz.

Shush. Anyways, in my many years of playing Dota 2 I have engaged in 1227 matches. A lot of Dota, for sure!

Jeeez. How many hours do you have logged to Steam on this thing?

Only... 3000 plus... shush, I have a life I swear. Anyways, that's not the statistic that matters, here. What matters is this: as of this writing, I have never played more than 43 games on a single hero.

... what? How the heck is that possible? You don't have a main hero? Something you spam to try and win games?

The only hero I spam is the random button.

You are the worst kind of filthy casual game-ruiner in existence, you know that?

Fair enough. It does have its advantages though: when Dotabuff released their arbitrary achievements, I was ASTOUNDINGLY close to the Every Hero Challenge. I've won games on practically every hero there is: I'm versatile like that.
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There comes a time in the life of every human being on this planet where they must say 'enough is enough'. No longer can things be put off. No longer can dreams be allowed to remain dreams. There is an imperative set by the gods that every man worth his salt, who wishes to prove himself in the ring of honor, must be weighted. Must be judged. And most definitely, must finish what he started.

So this man goes forth upon his final battle, back into the ring for the tenth time, to put an end to the sinister demons of waiting, uncertainty, and the unknown. Beckoning to the gods for their aid, he picks a hero wrought in their image: Zeus, the divine emissary of lightning, lord of thunder, rage, and pub stomps. Perhaps this facsimile of strength will transfer some of its digital splendor upon the man behind the keyboard. Or perhaps he shall be smitten for his arrogance. The combatants are set. May the game begin.

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Ranked matchmaking seems to have a REALLY hard time deciding what to do with me.

Hot off a three game losing streak (which is really an eight game streak with a nice breath of fresh Zeus pub-stomping air in between), I figured it was as good a time as any to queue up and see if I can get this thing done I promised I would. And I waited. And waited. Ten minutes later I stopped waiting, went and took a shower, did some stretches, set my alarm for work, and queued back up again. This time it only took five minutes. Hooray?

I'm somewhat encouraged by this: after all, longer wait times means there aren't as many people at my level to queue with, right? Then again, the guy who insta-picked Spectre on my team was only 2.7K so... maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up for a 3K+ calibration. 2.4K was my initial prediction, after all.

I was pleasantly surprised by how communicative our team was during the drafting phase: a nice change from previous matches I've played. Our orange said righ…
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I've been wanting to write about Spirit Breaker lately. I don't know why. Something about the hero's caught my attentions and I can't get it out of my mind.

Oy. This isn't the kind of site for you to work out your weird cow fetishes.

... I'm not even going to dignify that with a defense.

Cause you don't have one.

Annnyways, my original plan for this article was to see how fast you'd have to get Spirit Breaker attacking in order for you to guarantee that, once Greater Bash came off cooldown, the Pseudo-Random Distribution would be primed in your favor to get you another one immediately. So I loaded up a Bristleback with 6 hearts, gave Spirit Breaker five Moon Shards and a 6th eaten one, and had at it.

The result was that the Pseudo-Random Distribution isn't calculated at all while Greater Bash is off cooldown. I was disappointed at first, but ultimately I find this result kind of satisfying. It means that attack speed items can only help Spirit Breaker up to a certain …
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Well you've certainly taken your time on this one.

It's not my fault, I swear. Between my job, family issues, and the fact that Dota 2 Reborn wouldn't let me do Ranked matches for a while? I've had some work to do.

Wait... really? You weren't high enough level? That's HILARIOUS.

Shut. Up. At the very least, it didn't reset my calibration matches, so this is in fact Match 8 and not a second Match 1. If it had been reset I... I think I would have just rage quit. XD. Anyways, there's a veggie burger in me, so let's get to... NOPE REBORN CRASHED WHILE WATCHING THE REPLAY AGAIN. GG VULVA. GIVE DIRETIDE. ༼ つ ._. ༽つ

Since it had been a while since I'd played a ranked match, I decided to go with my ultimate comfort pick: Lich. He may not be my BEST hero (an honor that goes to either Undying or Jakiro depending on which I've lost a game with most recently) but he's my most-played hero, and is one of the safest picks in the game, in my opinion. With the recent buffs to…
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