HOW TO NOT BE USELESS AS DEATH CUTIE

IMPORTANT

MODERATION HAS INFORMED ME THAT ALLCAPS AND SWEARING ARE APPARENTLY NOT ALLOWED, WHAT YOU ARE READING IS BUT A FILTERED-DOWN VERSION OF ITS ORIGINAL STATE.

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THE GUIDE IS NOW NO LONGER IN ALLCAPS, AS IT CONTAINS A SMALL LETTER. I HOPE THIS HELPS YOUR VIEWING EXPERIENCE.

ALL INSTANCES OF SWEARING HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO CHILD-FRIENDLY ALTERNATIVES.

HELLO AND WELCOME TO THIS GUIDE

YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF, "[YOUR STUPID NAME HERE] WHY DO I NEED A GUIDE ON HOW TO PLAY DEATH CUTIE, A RELATIVELY EASY HERO?" AND THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE. YOU'RE FUGGING STUPID. REMEMBER THAT EVERYTHING IN DOTA IS SITUATIONAL, AND THAT YOUR BUILD AND SKILL ORDER MUST BE FLEXIBLE IN ORDER TO AVOID BEING A MASSIVE FUGG-UP GOING FOR A 40-MINUTE BLOODSTONE. WITH THIS IN MIND, JUST FOLLOW THE GUIDE TO THE LETTER UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW TO PLAY HER. IT WON'T TAKE LONG SHE'S NOT FUGGING MEEPO OR INVOKER.

THIS GUIDE FOLLOWS THE CLASSIC WALL OF TEXT STYLE. IMAGINE IT BEING YELLED AT YOU OVER IN-GAME VOICE CHAT FOR THE FULL EXPERIENCE. YOU WILL NOT FIND ANY PRETTY PICTURES EXPLAINING THE RANGE OF SKILLS AND OTHER SUCH BABYING YOU CAN DISCOVER IN TEN SECONDS IN A PRACTICE GAME. IT MAY CONTAIN CUTE ANIME PICTURES HOWEVER, BECAUSE EVERY GUIDE SHOULD.

MID TEAMFIGHT PROPHET

OKAY NOW TAKE A NICE LITTLE SCROLL UPWARDS AND TAKE A LOOK AT THOSE BUILDS. SPECIFICALLY, BUILD NUMBER 1. THIS IS THE BUILD YOU SHOULD USUALLY BE GETTING. STARTING ITEMS CAN VARY AS ALWAYS, BUT REMEMBER THESE SIMPLE POINTERS:

Iron Branch ARE BOUGHT FOR THE HP GAIN. IT MIGHT NOT SEEM LIKE MUCH, BUT THAT 26 GOLD INVESTMENT (YOU WILL BE SELLING THE BRANCHES UNLESS YOU GET A WAND, IDIOT) CAN SAVE YOU IN LANE.

Mantle of Intelligence IS BOUGHT TO AID IN LAST-HITTING. YOUR BASE DAMAGE IS ALRIGHT, BUT A LITTLE EXTRA CAN HELP. THE MANA IS NICE TOO. DONT GET A Null Talisman PLEASE OR YOU'LL MAKE ME CRY. IT HAS A 40% WINRATE ON DOTABUFF FOR A GOOD REASON. THAT'S LESS THAN MEEPO.

Tango, Healing Salve AND Clarity ARE FOR REGEN. THIS SHOULD BE SELF-EXPLANATORY. BUY LESS IF YOU HAVE AN EASY LANE MID AND WANT AN EVEN EARLIER BOTTLE.

WITH OUR STARTING ITEMS SITTING SNUGLY IN OUR INVENTORY, IT IS TIME TO HEAD TO LANE. THIS BUILD IS FOR A DEATH CUTIE TAKING THE MIDDLE LANE. I'VE INCLUDED AN OFFLANE CUTIE BUILD AS WELL, BUT THIS IS A FAIRLY FUGGING STUPID IDEA AS SHE IS SQUISHY WITH NO ESCAPE AND CANNOT JUST STACK THE ANCIENTS OR FARM FROM ACROSS THE MAP. DO NOT DUO-LANE AS DEATH CUTIE UNLESS YOU RANDOMNED AND ARE TOO AUTISTIC TO REPICK AN ACTUAL SUPPORT. NOW, FIRST ITEM YOU WANT TO GET ON DEATH CUTIE IS A FUGGING Bottle. WITH YOUR PASSIVE YOU ARE FAST AS HELL AND HAVE AN EDGE OVER MANY HEROES IN RUNE FIGHTS, AND IN LANE ALL THE DEATH CUTIE REALLY NEEDS IS REGEN. GRAB THOSE FUGGING RUNES. WARD ONE SPOT IF YOUR TEAM IS TOO USELESS NOT TO. GANKING PRE-6 INVOLVES WALKING INTO A LANE AND LANDING ONE OR TWO CRYPT SWARMS BUT HEY, GO FOR IT IF YOU GET A NICE RUNE AND SEE AN OPPORTUNITY.

YOUR NEXT ITEM IS Boots of Speed, WHICH YOU SHOULD TURN INTO Arcane Boots AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. YES I KNOW THE RECOMMENDED BOOTS ARE Phase Boots. FUGGING IGNORE IT.

OKAY NOW THAT WE HAVE SOME SPEED AND REGEN, IT IS TIME TO GET OUR MOST IMPORTANT ITEM. GET A Void Stone AND TURN IT INTO Perseverance AS FAST AS YOUR WORTHLESS *** CAN. THIS IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE PART OF OUR BLOODSTONE, SO GET IT OUT THE WAY FIRST. NEXT, CART YOURSELF BACK OVER TO THAT SECRET SHOP AND DROP 1200 DOTABUX ON A Point Booster. DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL BE USEFUL TO YOUR TEAM SOON. AS SOON AS THAT LITTLE GOLD COUNTER HITS 1100 YOU SHOULD BE IN YOUR TEAM'S SECRET SHOP BUYING A ******** Vitality Booster. NOW FOR SOME NEXT-LEVEL KNOWLEDGE TO YOUR INFANT MIND: DISASSEMBLE YOUR Arcane Boots, AND USE THEM TO BUILD YOUR Bloodstone. DO NOT PANIC ABOUT THE LACK OF UPGRADED BOOTS, BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE A FUGGING Bloodstone (THE BEST ITEM YOU CAN GET ON DEATH CUTIE), YOU ALSO HAVE AN AMAZING PASSIVE MOVESPEED BONUS WHICH YOU HAVE MAXED. YOU SHOULD HAVE IT FUGGING MAXED BY NOW. ALSO, THIS ALL ASSUMES THE GAME IS STILL IN ITS EARLY-MID STAGES. IF THE TIMER IS PAST 25 MINUTES YOU HAVE COMPLETELY FAILED AS DEATH CUTIE AND SHOULD KILL YOURSELF. BUY Phase Boots NOW, TO GO VERY FAST.

FROM THIS POINT ON YOU COULD BUY NO MORE ITEMS AT ALL AND STILL CONTRIBUTE, BUT HERE IS WHAT TO GET NEXT. NOTE THAT THIS BUILD ASSUMES YOU WILL BE TEAMFIGHTING AND NOT BEING A USELESS TRENCHLORD OFF FARMING SIDELANES, ULTING TO KILL ANCIENT STACKS, OR OTHER SILLY ACTIVITIES NOT BEFITTING A TRUE CUTIE. BUY A Shiva's Guard. BUY IT. THE ACTIVE IS SO RIDICULOUSLY HELPFUL IN TEAMFIGHTS, AND SYNERGISES PERFECTLY WITH YOUR ULTIMATE. IT ALSO LEAVES YOU RELATIVELY TANKY AND HARD TO KILL. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED IN FIGHTS, TO STAY ALIVE AND LET YOUR GHOSTLY SISTERS DO IT FOR THEMSELVES. YOU FUFLFILL A SIMILAR ROLE TO NECROLYTE IN THAT YOU CONTRIBUTE THROUGH LONGETIVITY, BUT UNLIKE THAT KILL-STEALING NERDLORD YOU CAN ACTUALLY TAKE DOWN TOWERS AFTER PUSHING.

OKAY IF YOU STILL HAVE GOLD AND NEED ITEMS THE GAME IS APPARENTLY LASTING 50 FUGGING MINUTES. Black King Bar TO STOP YOUR ENEMIES DISABLING YOU, Scythe of Vyse TO GIVE YOURSELF A RIDICULOUSLY GOOD DISABLE, Refresher Orb FOR AN ENTIRE FUGGING MINUTE OF GHOSTS. NOTE THAT YOU CAN ONLY HAVE A SINGLE ULT GOING AT ONCE. Refresher Orb DOESNT FUGGING LET YOU DOUBLE ULT SO DON'T WASTE IT. HONESTLY IF YOU PLAYED CORRECTLY YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE AT THIS POINT.

FUGG TEAMFIGHTS. FUGG THEM. KILL TOWERS.

SOMETIMES IN DOTA, YOUR ENEMY WILL PICK A TEAM THAT JUST FLAT-OUT OUTSCALES YOURS BY A LARGE DEGREE. THANKFULLY YOU ARE DEATH CUTIE, AND HAVE THE POWER TO COMPLETELY STOP THEM BEFORE THEY REACH IT. WELCOME TO BUILD NUMBER 2, THE MOST ANNOYING ONE TO FIGHT BY A HUGE MARGIN.

FOR STARTING ITEMS, REFER TO PREVIOUS SECTION. GET WHAT YOU FEEL YOU WILL NEED TO NOT FEED LIKE A ******. ONCE AGAIN THIS GUIDE IS FOR MID. THANKFULLY IT IS THE SAME AS THE OTHER BUILD AT THE START, ASIDE FROM MAXING Witchcraft FIRST. THIS IS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO KILL TOWERS AS FAST AS FUGGING POSSIBLE. THE MANA COST ON YOUR Crypt Swarm WILL BE TINY ENOUGH TO ALLOW NEAR-CONSTANT SPAMMING, AND YOUR Exorcism WILL BE MORE POWERFUL DUE TO THE ADDITIONAL GHOSTS. TAKE FUGGING ADVANTAGE OF THIS. GET THAT MID TOWER DOWN AS EARLY AS YOU CAN. GO TO SIDELANES, GANK THE LANERS AND KILL THEIR TOWERS. PUSH LIKE A MADMAN AND TAKE EVERY LAST DROP OF GOLD FOR YOURSELF. AFTER YOUR Bloodstone YOU ARE GETTING Boots of Travel. THE OBJECTIVE HERE IS TO GIVE YOURSELF A NEW AND HORRIFYING GLOBAL PRESENCE. KILL TOWERS. FUGGING KILL THEM JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU DENSE. BAIT OUT FORTIFY THEN ULT WHEN IT FINISHES TO WRECK THE TOWER. YOU WILL THEN RUSH A Refresher Orb TO ALLOW PUSHING OF SUCH A RIDICULOUS LEVEL YOUR ENEMY WILL RUN CRYING TO ICEFRAUD LOOKING FOR A DEATH CUTIE NERF.

FOR FINAL ITEMS HERE, A Necronomicon IS EVERY PUSHING HERO'S WET DREAM. ALONG WITH THIS, A Shiva's Guard. SHIVAS IS A VERY GOOD ITEM FOR PUSHING, AND PROTECTING YOUR LONE *** FROM BEING RAVAGED. A FINAL CONSIDERATION IS A Desolator, WHICH MAY SEEM ******ED AS RIGHT-CLICK DEATH CUTIE IS SO FUGGING STUPID I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF BADLORD YOU'D NEED TO BE TO DO IT. HOWEVER, RAX TOWERS HAVE A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF ARMOUR, AND Desolator AFFECTS TOWERS, ALONG WITH Assault Cuirass AURA. HOWEVER, THE AC ARMOUR REDUCTION IS LOWER, AND COSTS OVER 1000 GOLD MORE, SO DON'T EVEN FUGGING BOTHER. REMEMBER THAT YOUR GHOSTS ARE ENTIRELY PHYSICAL DAMAGE AND THUS GAIN TOWER-KILLING POWER FROM THE DESO OR AC.

HELP HELP IM BAD AT THE GAME

OKAY, NOW IT IS TIME FOR BUILD NUMBER 3, THE WORST BUILD. THE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THIS BUILD IS THAT IT IS FUGGING CHEAP, BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU WERE TOO TERRIBLE AT THE GAME TO GET ANY GOLD. NEVER FRET, DEATH CUTIE CAN STILL BE VIABLE ON A BUDGET. JUST PRAY YOU GET CARRIED. THIS IS THE BUILD I WOULD RECOMMEND FOR OFF-LANE DEATH CUTIE, AS UNLESS YOU ARE AGAINST A TERRIBLE SOLO YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BE GETTING VERY LITTLE FARM AND NO KILLS. IF YOU SCROLL YOUR INTERNET BROWSER UP THE WEB PAGE A LITTLE YOU WILL NOTICE THE SKILL BUILD ALSO SAYS TO MAX Witchcraft. THIS IS, AGAIN, SITUATIONAL. THE ENTIRE IDEA HERE IS THAT YOU WILL BE FARMING SAFELY FROM A DISTANCE USING CRYPT SWARM, WITHOUT A BOTTLE FOR MANA REGEN. THUS, LOW MANA COSTS ARE NEEDED. IF YOU SOMEHOW WIN YOUR LANE GO CRYPT SWARM FIRST. HELL, MAX FUGGING SILENCE, YOU'RE APPARENTLY FIGHTING SOMEONE PLAYING THEIR FIRST GAME. ALSO MOST IMPORTANTLY, DO NOT FUGGING SUICIDE LANE AS DEATH CUTIE. IF YOU HAVE TO SOLO, SOLO THE SAFE LANE UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET STOMPED SO HARD YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU CAN BUY BOOTS TO RUN AWAY FROM A TEAM BALLING DANGEROUSLY OUT OF CONTROL.

NOTICE THAT THIS BUILD HAS YOU START Circlet INSTEAD OF MANTLE. THIS IS BECAUSE YOU NEED THE EXTRA HP, AND WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER GET WITHIN 50 METRES OF A CREEP TO AUTO-ATTACK IT. YOU WILL NOT BE HARASSING WITH AUTOS HERE, YOUR AIM IS TO NOT FEED. TURN THAT Circlet INTO A Bracer THE SECOND YOUR PITIFUL GOLD COUNTER LETS YOU. NOT A Null Talisman NEVER GET THAT YOU STUPID FUGG YOU DONT NEED +6 INT YOU NEED HP AND MANA, FAR MORE MANA THAN +6 INT WILL EVER FUGGING GIVE YOU. YOU WILL ALSO BE PURCHASING A Magic Wand FOR TWO REASONS. ONE, YOU NEED SUSTAIN AS MUCH AS YOU DESPERATELY NEED TO GET GOOD ENOUGH TO NEVER NEED THIS SUB-PAR BACKUP BUILD. TWO, YOU ARE SO FUGGING POOR THAT EVEN SELLING YOUR Iron Branch IS A WASTE OF GOLD. GET THE Magic Wand BEFORE THE Bracer IF THEY ARE CASTING A LOT OF SPELLS, BUT YOU AREN'T IN IMMEDIATE DANGER.

OKAY DORKS, TIME FOR THE MOST HORRIFYING PART OF THIS BUILD: DO NOT GET A Bloodstone. THAT HURT TO TYPE. YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET A FUGGING Bloodstone AT 40 MINUTES AS YOUR FIRST ITEM, AND WITH YOUR SENSATIONAL 200GPM YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO DREAM ABOUT BUYING ONE FOR A LONG-*** FUGGING TIME. WHICH IS WHY YOU NOW NEED A REPLACEMENT FOR THAT ALMOST AROUSINGLY HIGH MANA REGEN. TIME TO BUILD YOURSELF A Eul's Scepter of Divinity TO COMPENSATE. THIS WILL GIVE YOU MOVEMENT SPEED, INTELLIGENCE (WHICH YOU SORELY LACK IF YOU PLAY DEATH CUTIE OFF-LANE BY CHOICE) AND MANA REGEN. IT ALSO GIVES AN ACTIVE THAT SYNCS VERY WELL WITH THE CUTIE'S ULTIMATE. YOU NOW HAVE A NEW COMBO. YOU PRESS THE R KEY, LOCATED BETWEEN THE E AND T KEYS. THEN WHEN THE ENEMY GETS CLOSE TO YOU, YOU USE THE EULS SCEPTRE ON YOURSELF. WHILE YOU DANCE IN THE AIR, FLASHING YOUR PANTSU LIKE THE FEMALE MC OF SOME WORTHLESS HAREMSHOW, YOUR GHOSTLY SISTERS WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT FOR THEMSELVES. ALL OVER THE ENEMY TEAM. NOTE: LIKE ALL EMERGENCY BACKUP BUILDS FOR THE SEVERELY UNDERFARMED AND MENTALLY HANDICAPPED, YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO BE CARRIED HERE. THIS IS ALL DONE TO TRY AND MAKE YOU SOMEWHAT USEFUL TO THE POOR FUGGERS STUCK DRAGGING YOU OUT THE TRENCH.

YOUR SUBSEQUENT ITEMS ARE ALL IN A SIMILAR LINE OF THINKING. PURCHASE A Drum of Endurance (MAKE SURE NO-ONE ELSE IS FIRST BEFORE YOU DO IT, I SWEAR IF YOU GO DOUBLE DRUMS IN A FUGGING PUB GAME I'LL MAKE IT MY MISSION TO GET YOUR ACCOUNT BANNED. I BET YOU DON'T EVEN USE THE FUGGING ACTIVE EITHER. GOD YOU ARE SO BAD AT THIS GAME) TO GIVE YOURSELF AND YOUR IDIOT-LADEN TEAM SOME NICE MOVEMENT SPEED. THIS ALONG WITH EULS SHOULD HELP MAKE UP FOR THE DISTINCT LACK OF Phase Boots CAUSED BY YOUR POVERTY-STRICKEN CARCASS. FINALLY, TRY AND USE YOUR SPARE CHANGE TO GET SOMETHING NICE, CHEAP, AND DEFENSIVELY-ORIENTED. TAKE OUT A FUGGING LOAN OR BEG ON STREET CORNERS, BUT DO NOT SELL YOUR BODY AS THE DEATH CUTIE IS A PURE AND HONEST MAIDEN AND ITS UNBECOMING OF A YOUNG LADY TO DO SUCH THINGS. PURCHASE A Blade Mail IF YOU WISH TO REDUCE FOCUS ON YOURSELF OR REFLECT A POWERFUL NUKE. ALWAYS GET IT VERSUS HUSKAR FOR HILARITY. GET A Ghost Scepter IF THEY ARE RIGHT-CLICKING YOU TO OBLIVION. DON'T GET IT VERSUS Lion OR Lina EVER UNLESS YOU WISH TO TAKE ROLEPLAYING TO NEW AND SILLIER HEIGHTS BY REPEATEDLY SUICIDING TO SUIT DEATH CUTIE'S LORE. THE FINAL ITEM IN THIS BUILD IS Shiva's Guard. THIS ISN'T BECAUSE IT'S USEFUL (WHICH IT IS) BUT BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER AFFORD IT SO I CAN END THIS SECTION OF THE GUIDE.

IF YOU ARE NEW, IT IS PROBABLY BEST TO DO THIS BUILD TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY HER BEFORE GRADUATING ONTO BETTER, MORE GOLD-RELIANT BUILDS.

WHY SILENCE AT LEVEL 10

ON ALL BUILDS, I HAVE PUT Silence AS SOMETHING TO GET AT LEVEL 10. THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASON FOR THIS: LEVEL 1 OF Silence IS FUGGING TRASH. THE AOE COMBINED WITH THE CASTING ANIMATION MEANS IT'LL BE A FUGGING MIRACLE IF YOU CAN HIT ANYONE NOT STANDING PERFECTLY STILL, AND EVEN THEN ALL YOU HAVE IS A 3 SECOND SILENCE. WHEN YOU CONSIDER HOW INSANELY USEFUL YOUR Crypt Swarm AND Witchcraft ARE, THIS IS A FUGGING WASTE. HOWEVER, UNLIKE CERTAIN SKILLS IN THE GAME (I'M LOOKING AT YOU The Swarm (CORRECTION: UPON FURTHER PLAYING OF THE WEAVER, THIS IS ACTUALLY AN AMAZING SKILL AND WHEN I WRITE A GUIDE ON HOW TO THE PLAY THE MOST SEXUALLY APPEALING BUG IN THE GAME I WILL EXPLAIN WHY)) IT IS STILL A GOOD SKILL WHEN MAXED. AT MAX RANK YOU HAVE A DECENT-SIZED AOE WITH A TEAR-INDUCING 6 SECOND SILENCE. LAND A GOOD ONE AND YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A MINIATURE SILENCER ULT.

WITH THIS IN MIND THOUGH, THERE ARE SITUATIONS WHERE A POINT IN Silence EARLY CAN BE BENEFICIAL. HEROES SUCH AS Bane, Enigma AND Sand King WHO RELY ON CHANNELED ULTIMATES ARE COUNTERED BY YOUR PITIFUL LEVEL 1 Silence. IF YOUR TEAM DOES NOT DESPERATELY NEED AN INTERRUPT, JUST FUGGING LEAVE IT UNTIL BETTER SKILLS ARE COMPLETELY MAXED. REMEMBER THAT A POINT IN IT EARLY WHEN NOT NEEDED IS A HUGE MANA DRAIN, NOT ONLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE ANOTHER SPELL TO CAST, BUT ALSO BECAUSE YOU GET IT OVER A POINT IN Witchcraft, MEANING THAT CRYPT SWARM IS GOING TO DRAIN YOUR MANA RIDICULOUSLY.

OMG IT TOOK 4 OF U NOOBS 2 KILL ME :(

UPON HITTING LEVEL 6, THOUGH PREFERABLY A LITTLE HIGHER FOR THE MAXIMUM POWER CRPYT SWARM AND INCREASED GHOSTS FROM Witchcraft, YOUR TASK BECOMES FAIRLY SIMPLE. YOU WANT TO CREATE A NUMBERS ADVANTAGE AND FORCE A TOWER. THE SIMPLEST WAY IS TO SIMPLY LET YOUR ENEMY MID LANER RUN AMOCK AND DESTROY YOUR TEAM WHILE YOU PUSH FOR MID. THIS CAN WORK OUT IF YOUR TEAM PLAY DEFENSIVELY, BUT EXPECTING THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS GAME IS A ONE-STOP PATH TO COLLAPSING ON YOUR FLOOR CRYING "TEAM??? TEAM??????", RENDERED A SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING BY IGOR FEEDINSKI AND HIS 3 BEST FRIENDS. IT ALSO DISRUPTS YOUR CARRIES FARM, LOSES OUT ON POTENTIAL KILLS, AND OTHER SILLY THINGS. RATHER, WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO IS FORCE A TOWER.

REMEMBER: THE ENTIRE REASON WHY DEATH CUTIE IS USEFUL IS YOUR TOWER-KILLING POWER. YOU ARE VERY SIMILAR TO Leshrac, BUT LACKING HIS HARD CC IN EXCHANGE FOR GREATER RANGE, BETTER SURVIVABILITY, AND FAR SUPERIOR CUTENESS. LESHRAC IS NOT CUTE. IF HE WAS IN K-ON, HE WOULD BE ONE OF THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS OBSCURED DURING A PERFORMANCE WHILE DEATH CUTIE ROCKS OUT ON STAGE. NOW, TO EXPLAIN HOW THE CUTIE GANKS. YOU LACK HARD CC, A GAP CLOSER, AND ENOUGH BURST TO KILL SOMEONE FROM FULL. ON PAPER, YOU ARE A WOEFUL GANKER THAT SHOULD SIT MID MUCH LIKE A FAT KID SITS WAITING TO BE PICKED FOR SPORTS. THE DEATH CUTIE HAS ONE INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT FACTOR IN HER GANKS, HOWEVER, AND THAT IS TOWER-KILLING POTENTIAL. LET US SAY THAT YOU FLOAT MERRILY FROM THE MIDDLE LANE TO, SAY, BOTTOM. YOUR TEAM IS RUNNING AN AGGRESSIVE TRILANE AGAINST THE ENEMY'S DEFENSIVE TRILANE. IT WILL BE WARDED, THE ENEMY IS PREPARED TO TURTLE. BUT THEY FORGET ONE VERY VERY IMPORTANT THING - THAT THE CUTIE DOES NOT NEED TO KILL THEM. YOU WILL WALK IN, AND LAUNCH OFF A Crypt Swarm OR TWO. THIS WILL FORCE A RETREAT. WITH WELL-TIMED CC, PERHAPS EVEN A KILL. THIS IS WHERE WE BEGIN OUR FUN. YOU CURRENTLY HAVE A NUMBERS ADVANTAGE AND AN ULTIMATE READY TO UNLEASH. IF YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THE ENEMY FORTIFY IS ON COOLDOWN YOU CAN ULT STRAIGHT AWAY AND FROLIC WITH YOUR UNDEAD BUDDIES AS THE ENEMY CRY FOR HELP, IF NOT YOU SHOULD BAIT IT OUT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE BEFORE BLOWING YOUR PROVERBIAL ECTOPLASMIC LOAD.

"B-BUT SOMEONE IS STARTING TO T-TELEPORT IN WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?" YOU CRY, IN A VOICE NOT UNLIKE THAT OF A SMALL CHILD. TEARS FLOOD DOWN YOUR FACE AT THE THOUGHT OF BATTLE. YOU MUST CONQUER YOUR WEAKNESS, AND REMEMBER THAT DEATH CUTIE IS A TEAMFIGHT HERO FIRST AND FOREMOST. IT IS BRIGHT ORANGE SO YOU DO NOT FORGET IT. EVERY TIME YOU EAT AN ORANGE I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER IT. EVERY TIME YOU SEE A TRAFFIC CONE I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER IT. WHEN YOU GAZE AT THE SUN IN ITS MAGNIFICENT INCADESCENCE, I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THAT DEATH CUTIE IS A TEAMFIGHT HERO FIRST AND FOREMOST. WHEN THE ENEMY FORCE A TEAMFIGHT WITH YOUR GHOSTS ALREADY UP, THEY ARE SIGNING THEIR OWN DEATH WARRANT. YOU WILL FIGHT THEM AND YOU WILL WIN. THIS IS EARLY-MID GAME. THE BATSKATER HAS NOT OBTAINED HIS DAGGER OF FUN REMOVAL. THE TIDEHUNTER HAS NOT OBTAINED HIS DAGGER OF FUN REMOVAL. THE SAND KING IS SITTING IN A SANDSTORM UNDER THE TOWER, COWERING FOR HIS LIFE. MENTALLY, THE DAGGER OF HIS DREAMS BEGINS TO FLOAT EVER HIGHER AND DISAPPEAR INTO THE ETHER. A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN HIS CARAPACE AS YOU SLAUGHTER THE IDIOTS WHO DARED CHALLENGE DEATH CUTIE TO AN EARLY TEAMFIGHT. REMEMBER, RANGE IS YOUR FRIEND. YOU HIT VERY LONG RANGE, YOUR ENEMIES LIKELY DO NOT. BY THE TIME ANYONE IS CLOSE ENOUGH TO SMELL YOUR EXPENSIVE EAU DE CORPSE PERFUME, THEY SHOULD BE SO WOUNDED THEY STAND NO CHANCE OF EVEN SCRATCHING THE SEAMS ON YOUR DRESS. SENTRIES SHOULD BE PLACED TO PUT INVISIBLE NERDS IN THEIR PROPER PLACE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FOOD CHAIN. AND AFTER YOU HAVE FORCED THEM TO THEIR FOUNTAIN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU TAKE THAT TOWER. YOU FORCE THE TOP TOWER. YOU FORCE THE MID TOWER. YOU WARD THEIR JUNGLE AND FORCE EVERY LAST INNER TOWER THEY HAVE. YOU TAKE ROSHAN AND ELEVATE YOURSELF ANOTHER LEVEL ABOVE THEM. IF YOU HAVE PLAYED CORRECTLY, RAX WILL SOON FALL.

YOU DO THIS QUICKLY, METHODICALLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: YOU DO THIS WHILE BEING CUTE. LOSING TO A CUTE GIRL IS FAR MORE EMBARASSING THAN ANYTHING ELSE, AND YOU WILL REMIND YOUR OPPONENTS OF THIS IN ALL-CHAT WITH EVERY TOWER YOU SHATTER.

OH, AND IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING WHAT YOU SHOULD DO SHOULD THE ENEMY MOUNT A 5-MAN DEFENSE AGAINST YOUR EARLY PUSHES, DO NOT FRET. DEATH CUTIE'S INCREDIBLE TEAMFIGHT PRESENCE AND WAVE CLEARING GIVE YOU THE POWER TO BACK OFF AND DEFEND YOUR TOWER FROM A COUNTER-ATTACK. MEANWHILE, AS YOU HOLD OUT 4V5, YOU HAVE A 5TH MAN PUSHING ALONE. IN MOST CASES, YOU ARE GOING TO GET A TOWER EITHER WAY. IF THE WORST COMES TO THE WORST, CONTINUE PUSHING LANES UNTIL THE NEXT OPPORTUNITY ARISES. YOU ARE NOT THE COWARD PROPHET WHO TAKES SIMPLE POTSHOTS AT TOWERS, SCAMPERING AWAY WHEN A SINGLE ENEMY REARS THEIR HEAD. YOU ARE A TUMOUR ON THE SIDE OF THEIR BUILDINGS. EVEN IF IT TAKES A LONG TIME, YOU ARE TAKING THAT TOWER AND THERE IS NOTHING THEY CAN DO TO STOP IT.

REPLAYS OF THE DEATH CUTIE IN ACTION

COMING SOON

HAVE FUN

CHANGELOG:

13/04/13: REMEMBERED THAT I WROTE THIS GUIDE. I WAS DEEPLY IMPRESSED WITH HOW GREAT I AM, BUT REALISED I HAD FORGOTTEN TO ACTUALLY INCLUDE THE REPLAYS I HAD PROMISED. A MORE DETAILED SECTION ON GANKS HAS BEEN ADDED IN THE MEANTIME WHILE I CREATE SOME WONDERFUL REPLAYS. I'LL EVEN TRY AND GET A REPLAY OF THE GODAWFUL EULS EMERGENCY BUILD IF A MATCH GOES PEAR-SHAPED.