So I want to write a dark story here, not sure if I make the picture quite clear, because I must admit the dialogs arent that good.
The Watcher of the Hill
Cold wind flows across the Egren village that night. Children ran around the block, playing a game of tag with their partners. Harmony blanketed the village, for it was a night to celebrate- a night to celebrate the Watcher’s work.
Near the village stands a looming hill. Steep road and rocky woods filled up the hill, giving it a unique character. Atop the hill lies the ‘Watcher’, the so called guardian of the hill. For centuries it has set its eyes onto the denizens of the village; ever caring to the land it resides. Whenever evil deeds came by, its doer looks above to the hill to gaze at the Watcher’s eyes. The stare of a Watcher is like those of a sentient being; emotive and living. When an evil doer stares at the Watcher, fear sets to his heart- his soul full of guilt, and madness he would reach. Thus is why the villagers loved the Watcher- it is for its work to demoralize criminals why it is cherished and loved.
It remains unknown to even the greatest of scholars of when the Watcher first came. All known is how it change forms for every 100 years, and the reason too, is unknown. Earliest history states that the watcher began as a statue of a warrior- looming high and mighty, with pride in its eyes. It is no exception for female forms, too. It had once been a female archer, bow on her hands and a quiver on her back full of arrows. Even peasants can be a Watcher: with no less power than other forms.
There are many predictions on the Watcher’s first days. It is said that the Gods’ blessing has been bestowed upon a faithful man, or an apostle sent to be their great protector. Although the mysterious origins or the Watcher, the villagers show not a slight sign of dislike.
Harry was an average young man, filling his life with part time jobs before finding his identity (sorry, don’t know the right word). He works by day as a simple shop assistant, carefully checking inventory and filling the counter at times. He swept and wiped the scattering dusts, keeping items at an orderly row.
That night, Harry is preparing for the joyful night. The shop owner had decided to participate in the joyous celebration that night, removing the tools and replacing everything with traditional foods. It is up to Harry alone to redecorate the whole shop, adding beautiful ornaments and represent the store. Shelves of tool was removed in turn with racks of food. Every corner filled with small statues of the Watcher.
After a dusk of work, he come to the well to get some water. His throats sore, and the shop lacked beverages. His wooden bucket dangling from his hand, looking old yet no leaks exist. His careful hands grabbed the rope, gently lifting the well’s bucket. The old well is at the outskirts of the village, near the spooky yet seemingly kind forest. Odd sounds are heard from time to time, yet it is just the howl of a wolf or a deer’s mating call. This night, a truly mysterious sound is heard near the well.
Harry pour the clean waters at his wooden bucket, then look around to see if something’s amiss. In the distance, he sees a dim light. The illuminating form is like a beautiful lady, drawing attention with no order or call. Harry put the old bucket aside, and slowly walked to the light.
Nearer and nearer he went, the light seem closer and bigger. It was in the form of a ball, it float gently up in the air, shining the ground below. As he grow nearer, Harry saw the magnificent light above his head. His hand reaching to the ball, but again, like a beautiful lady, it rejects.
The mysterious object floats away, not above, yet farther. Driven by curiousity, Harry followed the light. It grew ever farther, but Harry is not to be discouraged. Albeit seemingly rejecting, the ball move and stops as if waiting for him. The path grew steeper, like to a rocky hill. Forgetting himself, Harry would follow the light should it went to the edge of the world. The bright object was addicting and maddening, removing a man’s sanity to draw into it.
Soon after, Harry reached what seemed to be a hill’s peak. Nearby was a large statue of stone, with magical properties sensed nearby. However, he care not of his surroundings, only his devotion to the illuminating form. At long last, the bright ball stopped. It was ready to accept Harry, ready for him to take it. It floats lower to the reach of the hand, and it was Harry’s hands that which would reach.
Ever so gently, Harry lend out his right hand. The nearer his hand, the more comfort he felt. It grew nearer and nearer, until he finally touched it.
Burning sensation all over his arm, he let go. However, the ball’s burning nature did not deter him at his madness. He readied himself, again reached out for the ball, but this time it was the ball that reached unto him.
The burn was now felt under his skin, the pain too enormous for him to hold. The skin absorbed the ball’s energies, and it is now one with him. Suddenly, his body glow brightly. It illuminates his surroundings, and revealed the large statue seen previously. Regaining his senses, he realized the statue is the Watcher. Terrified, Harry fear that he may have disturb it’s sacracity(noun for sacred... i dunno). The statue moves, and it locked his eyes on Harry. The statue’s sword fade out to the air, and it’s size grew smaller, to the size of a human. It’s face and body distorted, becoming an unrecognizable face.
As the statue shrunk, it’s stones became flesh, it’s rocky hair became stringy. It’s smooth surface became a wrinkly face, seemingly old yet still fresh and able. The previously admired arms became stocky and fleshed. The ever-gazing eyes became humane and more frightening. Harry trembles with fear, his mouth constantly opening and screaming for help and mercy. The Watcher stares at him, eyes vengeful and wrathful. The bright spheres came in greater numbers, surrounding Harry and the Watcher in illumination. Harry brought up to the air, ever fearful of his fate.
Staring at his eyes, the Watcher spoke “You might ask why.” Harry answered with no words, but in screams and fear. Alas, he calmed and gazed upon the Watcher with fear still in his heart.
“Long ago,a faithful one of the Gods was bestowed a blessing: To be the world’s guardian and watcher, to protect the world as it is.”
Harry stayed silent, his eyes locking at those of the Watcher’s.
“He watched the world, ever caring of it’s content. But after centuries of work, the Watcher grew tiresome and seeks to enjoy the mortal realm.
“Once every 100 years, at the night that currently is, the Watcher’s power grew fervent. On the first night, he lured an oblivious human to his realm to be used as a replacement. The Watcher grew weaker, it’s arms only protecting those around this hill.
“The human replaced his duty, and the Watcher enjoyed his eternal mortal life. Ever vengeful, the human sets a plan. For every 100 years, at the same night it is right now, a Watcher shall take a mortal to replace, and this cycle’s never ending.”
Harry shooks with horror- for such being that he and his people revere were truly a kidnapping monster, to change forms only to be free of it’s duty. “But... what about the gaze? The legendary gaze of the Watcher?”
The Watcher took a light laugh. “Whenever we gaze, we were looking for a mortal to allure and use. Such stories were merely superstitions: We are not as powerful as you thought.”
Harry was shocked, for his childhood hero and reverence were merely a false story. For such kind entity to exist is not possible. It is all lies, all that he and his people believes so. He grow in rage, and dared to defy.
“Monster! That’s what you are! To abandon your work only to have a mortal pleasure!”
Again, the Watcher took a light laugh. He took a few steps towards the floating mortal, and he quoted what the previous Watchers said.
“If you were me, you would have done the same”
Harry’s skin grew gray, and his flesh turns hard. His muscles felt weaker and he can barely moves his lips. The mortal Watcher is already gone from sight, his curses no longer mattered- if it ever were, of course. He regretted his life, believing and revering only to find out that his idol is fake.
There are no kind person in this world, only an illusion of what they truly are. But of course, he cannot be angry of the Watcher, for just as he said, he would have done the same.
His face distorted, becoming someone unrecognizable. His size grew, so too is his vengeance. For now, he shall wait with patience. For now, he shall gaze upon his land, envious of the joy and celebration his mortal friends have.
For now, he shall gaze and watch upon his world.
But when the time comes, he shall take a life, and so too will that life took another. For it is a never ending cycle, one that shall continue until the end of days.
[/i]
+Rep cyka
then, if still unsure, run it through this website:
http://www.reverso.net/spell-checker/english-spelling-grammar/
you should do fine
So can you quote a textual proof of my perspective switch? Because i still dont understand much and wpuld like to learn more
first is when : you write as if you are the character.
i.e
"i know what i have to do next, i must kill the smurf"
third is when : you write from a close perspective you know what the character is kinda thinking but also what other characters are as well.
i.e
"Jake now knows what he has to do next, he must kill the blue smurf"
story is when: you write as if you are relating the past event to a third party.
i.e
"well jake knew what he had to do now, he had to kill the blue smurf"
see the difference.
first allows a lot more exposistion within the character and allows the reader to learn more about the feelings and thoughts of the character.
third is good for setting and fleshing out locations and events scenarios like fights battles and the such.
story is great for history information giving and revealing things that you normally couldnt.
i dont even know what the hell are you talking about
when writing you have to have a coherent and flowing story one that the reader can follow.
so if you do jump perspective it has to be either a end of paragraph or a new chapter for example you can have a whole paragraph in first person about a thief sneaking into a mansion then he encounters a door that he cant seem to open. then the next paragraph can flesh the reason why he cant unlock that door through story telling.
blah blah blah the door had been unopened for 200 hundred years ever since the blah blah blah
then when you finish the paragraph you can return to first person. but the actual whole chapter has to start and end in first person.
this is done because you cant give information sometimes in first person with out it seeming like your giving a crutch to your writing. for example if you wrote the same story again about the thief you cant all of a sudden have your thief develop a monumental knowledge about the door with out it being silly how does he know about the door why does he know you now have to answer so many more questions dont you?? so the information has to come from somewhere else if you want it to be believable and allow your story to progress thus the change in perspective.
short stories are basically between a chapter long and 10 chapters long. so naturally they retain a perspective for most of it. this is around a chapter long so you need to keep the perspective solid or you get well.... what youve written.
now the actual story is AMAZING completely threw me and i loved it much darker then i expected from you and it really really really is held well.
"held well" you ask?
this means that the turn/switch/reveal is only really shown in the last part of it so up until then the reader has no idea what is happeneing ... so that is a sign of an incredibly well thought out story so a massive congrats.
if your perspective was retained for it though and your grammar was cleaned up ... it would be a solid 8/10 :) as it is a 6/10 is still really good :)
Thanks, you be the grammar nazi. :)
@Smuggles
.....I messed up big, didnt I?
It was so perfect....
But I gotta agree. The perspective is pretty stupid
we can work as the tag team story critique guys.
we need a catchy jingle and our own tv show...
deal?
in relation to the story i shall get around to giving some feedback later tonight most likely.
on the top though
pos
- MASSIVE IMPROVEMENT from last one.
- some really great exposition in places
- structure was good.
- plot was AWESOME. love the twist at the end. really nice change.
negs
- the only thing that is wrong happens to be quite large .
you need to figure out what style you want to write as.
do you want to go first person or third or do you want to go story teller or omniscient teller.
because you jump from third to story teller to first and back. makes the flow disjointed.
ill explain more when i get the chance.
but apart from that thing and the glaring grammatical errors. i like it.
6/10 well done
When an evil doer stares at the Watcher, fear sets to his heart- his soul full of guilt, and madness he would reach. Thus is why the villagers loved the Watcher-for it is for its work to demoralize criminals why it is cherished and loved.[/b]
underlined is unnecessary, italics stand for added and bold for correction needed."Thus" should be "this".
"how" should be "that" and "change forms" should be "changes it's forms.
god this will take all day. I will log in later and complete the whole thing.
nice story,but some huge mistakes were made :(. very grave grammatical errors need to be rectified.
You too, smuggles.
ESPECIALLY you.