The Drunkard and the Wolves
Jerry Williams is a drunkard. Once a proud soldier in the king's army, he now spend the rest of his life begging for coin in the streets of Jasper Town. He wore dirty, brown, and ragged clothes fitting for a beggar. With his wild beard and wrinkly skin, no eyes can unlock itself from this man.
One day, he was short of coin. No silver was given today- no mead shall be bought today. He must hold his wants for the day. But then, he saw the tavern. 'The Knight's Flask, the best tavern in town. The smell of the mead is irresistible, the tongue tastes without drinking. It is impossible, for Jerry. He can't go for a day without at least a glass of mead.
He braved to enter. He was not a respected figure, yet the customers didn't bother. He came in regularly, buying mead and at times gambling. The tender, Bob, greeted him. "Welcome back, Jerry. Whaddaya' want?" He ran unexpectedly, and quickly snatched a bottle of mead. "Thief! Filthy thief!", Bob yelled. Town guards came in after Jerry in pursuit.
Albeit old, Jerry is rather fit. He easily outrun the amateur guards. Although he was at a poor condition, he was still able. He jumped through crates and debris' with ease, while the guards have troubles with their armor. However, they can't run forever.
To the outskirts he went. He ran like a chased dog to a woods. The guards stop chasing, though it is not known to Jerry. He ran yet still, the ran faster than he ever were. Sloppy, he tripped to a rock. He rolled down a hill, dirt covering his bodies. He landed on a soft, leafy ground below. It took him a moment to realize that, in turn of the guards lost his tail, he too, was lost.
He smelled a carcass. A predator is nearby. He stepped forward slowly and carefully, ever so watchful of the dangerous wilds. With each step, he heard a grunt, like that of a savage beast. He held his bottle strong, ready to smash it to a wolf's head.
And indeed, it was a wolf.
And indeed, t'was a wolf that leaped upon him.
Jerry fell.
Vicious fangs in front of his face, ready to close in and snatch part of a face. He struggled to fend it off, trying to reach his bottle in the ground. The wolf drools, distracting Jerry. He looked into the eyes of the wolf, its eyes frenzied with hunger.
Then, a howl is heard. The wolf became angrier, but stepped away from Jerry. The wolf looked to its back, only to see yet another wolf came in from the high hill. The first wolf barked, but the second's stare was enough to scare it. The first wolf left, the second came.
With a prayer, Jerry stepped back, his body trembling with fear. However, he could hear a voice in his mind. "I came here not to harm" the voice said. "Come."
Wolves, like other animals and humans, have a natural affinity to magic- thus why they could speak in telepathy.
Jerry followed the wolf. Eyes seemed to be stalking them from the bushes. He was full of fear, albeit he tried to hide it. Soon, he could see a small valley which seemed to be the wolf pack's den. All the wolves in the den stopped their routines and stared at Jerry. Even the cubs stared. "We mean you no harm, human. We brought you here to grant you food for the night. It brought him more confusion. "Why?" Jerry asked."I never held a hate or grudge for your kind, thus why I chose not to take your life. We will spare and help you, on one condition." Jerry doesn't seem to like this.
"Keep secret of our den, and we will aid you for the night." there is no rejecting it. He saw the den, he MUST hold it a secret. And he is going to need the aid anyways. And so, he accepted it. He ate raw food, sadly. However, the drink and the bed was the best he had in years. He had not felt a normal life for ages.
The next day, he said his thanks and goodbye to the wolves. He will hold the secret. Or would he? Such valuable information would save him from jail, and gave him a decent life as a town hero.
Yes, he will break the promise.
Of course he will
At the outskirts, guards gathered round'. Just before they were dispatched to the woods, they saw Jerry. Immediately, they arrested him. To the town jail he goes. He was the only prisoner at that time.
At the jail, he met the guard captain. He expressed his feelings about Jerry's existence. He called him a useless rubbish, society's burden, and a filthy thief. He was happy of his current 'achievement' at stealing. It finally allows him to properly punish him. "We want you go, beggar. The town dislikes you. We will think of a way to had shun you." Jerry only smiles, showing suspicion to the captain. "If you would had your hand to let me go, I shall tell you something that may saved the lives of this town." he said loud and clear. The captain knows a liar when he sees one, and Jerry is not lying. Jerry told him about the wolf den.
The wolves are soon to attack, Jerry said. They are dangerous and must be exterminated. The captain consider this, for many towns were raided by wolves. With careful decisions, he sent a squad of mercenaries to the den. However, if Jerry is found to be lying, then his punishments are most severe.
The mercenaries consists of an archer, a sorcerer, and a warrior. They are far more capable than a regular town guard, but still need their company.
They reached at the den. The mage sends fireballs destroying the den. The wolves scattered, their order fallen. However, the alpha is adept at magic, and he howls to cast a spell. Spectral wolves are summoned, soaring high to the skies, moving out of sight. Then, they dived to the humans below. They have no time to react, the attacks are all sudden. The normal wolves join in to attack, the humans' deaths are sure.
Unknown to Jerry, the wolves had won the battle. Right now, he sat calmly at his cell- waiting for the squad to come back and confirm. However, he should have expected the wrath and vengeance of the wolf pack. It is a great sin to dishonor a promise. No man, woman or children is safe from their wrath now.
So too, is Jerry.
Especially Jerry.
It has been hours since the squad's departure. Jerry's mind was filled with grim thoughts. The wolves are smart; that's for one. And if the wolves survived, they will attack the village without mercy. Exile is currently the least of his fears right now.
Suddenly, a howl is heard.
And not just once- but rather two or three, like a message- like a signal to attack. Jerry is terrified, his demise is nigh.
Spectral wolves soared to the skies once again, picking off easy targets from the sky. Town guards and mercenaries are overwhelmed by the sheer numbers. One by one, the warriors fell. The wolves are without mercy: a woman is not an exception to their wrath, even babies are unsafe. They claw and bite, and feast. Blood spilling all over the town, all of the citizens granted its time.
And Jerry too, will be granted his time.
He was trembling at the cell, he prayed and prayed for all the time. He can only heard howls and screams, completely ruining his mind. Then, everything goes dark. The cell, the floor, the torch, everything is gone from his sight. Except for a pair of sinister yellow eyes.
It approached as if the cell's bars are non-existent, it passed it like air. "You promised us" said the voice of what seemingly to be the alpha wolf. Jerry tried to reason, but a wolf's mind is clear and sure. The alpha leaped upon Jerry, ready for a bite. However, Jerry brought the mead with him. He tried to balance, and smashed the bottle right at the wolf's head.
The wolf ran back in pain. He told his accompanying friends to not worry, that Jerry is dead. Quite to the contrary, rather. Even wolf's have pride, and the alpha have to keep it. He lied that Jerry is dead, not saying he was defeated.
And so Jerry is still alive. Jerry wasn't bitten, thankfully. However, he was raked badly by the wolf. Blood spilling all over the floor. He can't sleep that night, pain and terror fills his mind. He managed to survive to sunrise, when the wolves had left. Somehow, he managed to get up the stairs, and to the outside of the jail.
He saw nothing but blood. Whether it belongs to a man, a woman, or a child. Flesh is seen by his eyes, bones and body organs were seen as well. He vomited at the sadistic mess. Truly, the wolves are with no mercy. And with a last glance at the sea of blood, he fell to his knees, and took his last breath.
Jerry and Jasper Town is no more.
WELL???? SMUGGLUS?? WELL????
considering your only 13 and english is your second language then this is an amazing achievement.
so well done.
but in saying that ... Challenge your self to be better and imagine what you can do :D
Big thanks to you for ruining my self esteem.(not joking)
Thanks. I'll be posting another story aoon.
so well done.
but in saying that ... Challenge your self to be better and imagine what you can do :D
Besides, it was 00.00 when I posted it. Im tired as hell.
ill do this. ill explain how i read. i dont look at punctuation or spelling mistakes i dont look at whether or not things adhere to certain conventions i read something and completly base my view of it on three things.
Vocab/emotive/exposition (this shall be called Language
flow/structure/progression this shall be called Movement
plot/characters/setting this shall be called Story
1)Language
the first para is stilted, it needs exposition instead of :
"dirty, Brown Ragged"
try
"his boots were covered in the dirt of long neglect, his clothes though serviceable were filled with holes and smelt of all the times he found himself waking to the sunrise in a city gutter"
this forges a reader connection to the items plus by using emotive language your providing s small insight into his mindframe allowing the reader to FEEL something.
"No eyes can unlock itself from this man"
this is not good english. plus it is too stilted again.
your vocab could be expanded a bit. a lot of the wording you use is repeated.you used only dived soared in paragraphs try to change them to swooped soared dived dipped streaked dropped all these work just as well and keeps it interesting.
the exposition definitely could be worked on a lot of the sentences are too short and not allowing free information which is what exposition provides.
an example
"The mercenaries consists of an archer, a sorcerer, and a warrior."
instead
"the mercenaries consisted of an archer, renowned through out the land for her unerring ability to hit her target no matter how fast it is moving nor how far away it is, a sorcerer shrouded in mystery, his coat covered in arcane symbols that sparked and crackled with unearthly energies and a warrior standing 7 foot tall covered in tattoos and more weapons then jerry had ever seen before in one place."
4/10
improvements : work on your vocab and your exposition (the art of expounding/explaining)
2). Movement
sorry man but the flow structure and overall progression was woeful.
the flow from sentence to sentence was always too stilted. it felt like i was reading a story written in the 1800's. the progression of the characters were ... disjointed. one moment we have a man down on his luck resorting to stealing the next he is decideding to keep a magical beings secret then not even 5 sentences later he is betraying it. that right there would provide so much progression if you spaced it out and allowed the reader TO SEE WHY he is like that and WHY he is doing those things.
the structure is lacking. the ending is to formal the middle too formal. shake it up a bit involve secondary characters a bit more allow back and forth trade. dont key hole yourself into one point of view or two. stretch it out make it so that the reader is forced to chose between how they perceive a character and how another character perceives them. by making the reader choose your further ingratiating your character into your readers mind. making them take a side makes them feel PART of the story which is what a great writer strives to do.
overall for this area id say look at your flow look at your character progression let the reader SEE why the character is doing the things he is doing. dont write so stilted. dont write for the way the words fit the story write for the way the story fits the words.
make it ....smooth.
4/10
3). Story
this is where some positives come in.
the story on the face fact of it is good. the plot and characters are ok. the setting though could use a lot of work. make the reader see the place jerry lives.
instead of
(i know this isnt in the story but its an example)
"jerry ran past the house "
have
"jerry's running feet brought him past the great hall of warriors where he used to train, its many flags snapping within the breeze in a cruel salute to jerry's headlong dash away from the pursuing guards"
this fills out the setting, it lets reader build a mental image of this town that jerry so desperately doesn't want to be banished from that he betrays the wolves who helped him.
it lets the reader go "oh no wonder he doesnt want to be banished he has such history in this town"
but yea the plot nice. characters too stuffy. the setting doesnt even get a showing except for the tavern.
5/10
i purposely didnt comment on the many language mistakes because i know its your second language.
BUT
knowing your a 13 year old and that English is your second language overall id give you a
6/10
NOT knowing your a 13 year old or that English is your second language : 3/10
Comments after the fact.
"Then, a howl is heard. The wolf became angrier, but stepped away from Jerry. The wolf looked to its back, only to see yet another wolf came in from the high hill. The first wolf barked, but the second's stare was enough to scare it. The first wolf left, the second came.
^^ this is a prime example of all ive explained above.
"Then, a howl is heard"
ok yes your telling us a howl is heard.
by whom?
what did it sound like?
how did it make jerry feel?
"The wolf became angrier, but stepped away from Jerry"
why did the wolf become angrier?
how did the wolf become angrier?
emote evoke explain!!!
"The wolf looked to its back, only to see yet another wolf came in from the high hill."
this needs work. the sentence is really weak. "yet another wolf" explain the wolf was it all white how big was it did it have anything extra about it?
"The first wolf barked, but the second's stare was enough to scare it."
this sentence could be SO SO MUCH more look at it...it is ripe for a story obviously the wolf doesnt agree but again obviously the one arriving is the leader so there is a chance for interplay missed a chance to allow some relationships to expand in the readers mind.
"The first wolf left, the second came."
apart from this being an example of the stilted language ive spoken about it just ...ends so badly.
this is an epic choice here jerry could run he could fight what is going through his head how is he looking at the situation. what is the setting give the reader something about the setting. the first wolf leaving can be blown up to signify so much more. did it leave grudgingly scared confused ? how did it leave? where did it head to??
Then seemingly from nowhere, a chilling howl is heard it echoes throughout the forest. The wolf standing only feet away becomes angrier, the snarl it reserved for jerry became wider revealing teeth so sharp they could pierce the strongest armour , but grudgingly it slowly stepped away from Jerry. The wolf looked over its shoulder at the hill from which jerry had tumbled, following its gaze jerry saw a massive wolf crest the rise, its pelt was as white pure freshly fallen snow, scars from past battles marred its fur in places, it trudged down the slope towards jerry who only moments ago felt relief now he again felt terror. The first wolf turned towards to approaching wolf with its hackles raised it sharply barked a challenge. The White wolf stopped at the base of the hill and stared at the challenger with such power and authority even jerry felt cowed into submission. the stare was enough it seemed with the first wolf slowly turning its back and loping away into the woods, only looking back once with a disgruntled sniff. The White wolf watched the firt one go and only after it had disappeared into the overgrowth, did it approach the terrified jerry.
can you see the difference some emotive language and exposition can make?