I wanted to write this down because I figured out that I need to do it.
I suffer from depression because I was bullied hard for three years in school and appearently I am still not over it. Many times I was on the brink of killing myself which is no joke - I was completely convinced that I didn't deserve it. I had everything I needed but I wasn't happy and had no friends. I was sure I was just a burden for everyone.
This was one of the must dire stages in my life and it ended at the time in which I met a person while playing Dota who was nice to me and after 20 minutes of thought I sent him a friend invite.
I was sure he would decline but something within me hoped that I could still find a person who would like me, a person I could have fun with and a person who I could make smile.
Turns out I made the right choice. I chat a lot with him. Sometimes every day. This made me stop being suicidal. He basically saved my life.
But appearently that wasn't enough for my depression to dissapear. It persisted and after a year after meeting this person I was completely down again.
This time Dotafire brought the change. I had used it before but I never thought about taking part in the community sure that I would just be a burden. But I decided to do it nevertheless after reading Terathiel's story and I just had to tell him how good it was. At first it was hard for me to write things in the forum because I also suffer from Impostor-syndrom.
For those of you not knowing what that is: Whenever I do something I believe that I am just an impostor. Stealing my ideas from others, acting as if I knew something when in reality I don't know a single thing and I am always afraid that somebody may find out.
Even while reading this text an inner voice tells me that I am just lying and writing this to get attention but please believe me: I am not.
But I was able to socialize with the Dotafire community to at least a certain degree. But my Imposter-syndrom seems to be getting mor epower over me again.
While writing my Lio-guide I felt like everything I wrote down was self-explanatory, you knew everything before you read my guide, I was just acting like a smart*** when in reality I knew nothing and you would notice soon. ChiChi could observe this attitude first hand when I was writing her about my guide and telling her that it was bad. I am pretty sure I really got on her nerves (sorry ChiChi).
I played with ChiChi once but never again because I was sure that she would notice that I am a person who know one likes and who was just getting on her nerves.
I wanted to create a guide about warding and I just felt like I just did this to look great while I knew nothing.
And yesterday I even imagined my death again like I already did in the past.
I stoped 12 times - close to deleting this post. I am afraid you will laugh at me. I am afraid you will never talk to me again. But I hope that someone will find a nice or maybe two nice words for me and write a comment. If you really think that I don't belong here than just let me know it, I will accept it. But I really wish that some think that I am a person who is acceptable and brings something to the community.
I wrote this down without revising it and without thinking too much because if I did I would have deleted this. It took me all my determination to write this and publish it and now I can just hope....
ty all...this is really helpful...but I will be honest here: I simply can't consult a psychologist right now. Our family situation is going nuts at the moment and that would make matters even worse. Also...who can truly say if I am not just thinking I have these problems but it is just my imagination.
You suffering from your family's problems makes depression etc. worse. The treating is easier/cheaper/less time consuming the sooner it is started. Having other stress and emotional things in your life before treatment isn't going to help at all. And many depression lines/Boy's phones/Lonelylines still exist, they can help you tons if you aren't getting to psychiatrist or therapist asap.
You can consult a psychologist on your own if you don't want to involve your family in. Aren't you in legal age where you can do this yourself? I thought you are 18+ yo, I think you mentioned it somewhere.
Just wanna say that i read everyone comment you write and i do think they contribute to all threads you commented, you should not feel bad, we all in dotafire are friends.
If you want to, you can invite me to play a dota anytime, steam is [CMC]YellulzQuiet and you can find me at dotafire steam group
By being alone lot of the time I thaught about my point of view in the world and at that moment I thaught I made that every other person at my school is inferieur to me. This changed when I became 14 because I had an amazing teacher for morals who thaught me alot. With his guidelines, because he can't give a real answer, I stopped thinking about superior and inferior humans and now I shame myself for that.
What I want to say is that you should try to find some sort of help. I know my situation was different than your'se but both are just in the mind and can often get changed.
your psyche is the most important thing about a human live and if that is bad than life seems mostly pointless. Maybe you should try to stop with caring about other people a bit. This may sound silly but if you stay thinking the whole time, what does someone else think from me, you get stuck with yourself. When I was little I probably gave way to less about other people, what is fault to, but if you just accept yourself like you are and you stop thinking about others for a while you maybe get a bit more happy about yourself.
There is something what you can try, if you don't want it than don't do it, and I don't want to sound like a dealer or something like that but there is a drug called MDMA also know as exctasy and made you think more opener about stuff. However this is illegal in most countries. If you have a friend you really trust than you can maybe try it, you will think about stuff, what is wrong and what is good and you will be really open about possible opinions over yourself. After the mdma trip you can use the things you found to improve yourself in. Ofcourse you should do this with someone you trust because you are maybe going to say things that are REALLY personal. mdma itself has no bad effects and is riskless. just don't combine it with alcohol. it is also not addictive. But you should only do this if you want to try it. I don't want you to take mdma if you don't want to take it. It is sometimes used by psychologist because of the open effect. But probably this isn't a good idea because it is illegal in most countries.
I myself know how important it is to have a community where you can feel comfortable, even if it's just a video game community. I can say on behalf of all the community that we do not think you're a fraud, an imposter or a person that tries to seem better than they seem and you're always welcome here. Actually you are one of the most sincere and genuine persons I've met here, without exaggeration.
Also don't mind bullying. It happens and it really sucks but it's not something people will shove in your face, use as an argument against you and it's not something you should be ashamed of. Get over it, it's in the past and now you don't have to face those idiots every day now and hopefully won't meet them ever again.
Good luck and get help m8, it's not something you can fight yourself unless you're the one of those incredibly strong-willed individuals which absolute most of us are not.
Btw....how did you even notice this blog?
See the "recent discussion" part in the main page? Just under it there's a "recent blog posts" section.
Btw....how did you even notice this blog?
As for the other part - I don't really care who use this site since I have the right and freedom to choose whom I interact with. I haven't found you anyhow annoying though (might be because I am the troll-lord of the halcyon days =^) ) and I have no ill feelings towards you.
@TheSofa
You soggy biscuit -master =^) Dodofire is also home of non-dittoplayers like Janitsu and the company =)
If you feel super bad that you got bullied and were isolated in school a few years ago, then I'm sorry about you. I understand that you can feel terrible about this kind of thing and it sucks, I hope you can get over it.
However....
Dota is a video game. Video games are distractions. Video games are not serious business. There's no such thing as being a fraud in a freaking video game. Do not ever take this game seriously. Do not ever feel bad/depressed/whatever because of things related to video games. Your real life is serious business. Games are not. That's my advice.
About the community, anybody is welcome here as long as they're friendly. So you're welcome here. You don't even have to play dota to be welcome here, just look at Janitsu XD
You're not a fraud, but I'm not even going to try to explain why. Instead I'm going to say this : even if you are a fraud, who cares? Again, this is just a game, games are not serious business. You can feel bad about being a fraud in your job, but don't feel bad about being a fraud in a game.
Also, it's a bit funny that you compare school bullying with dota. Personally I feel that I get bullied more in a day of playing dota than I was in a year of school, with all the cyka blyat flaming and stuff. After all, I wasn't called a ****** 10 times a day whan I was at school :)
Just remember... above all those negative and destructive thoughts...
We will be here for you. Because we are dotafire, home of all dota players. Not just the good ones, not just the nice ones, but every single one of them.
Feel free message me any time you'd like.
Cheers!
TheSofa
As you said yourself, you are smart enough to realise you're the one seeing problems where they aren't: it's not people disliking you, but you thinking they do, and going down on this vicious bad self confidence cycle.
You've told me many times that you didn't want to get in my nerves, and you didn't, and I told you so - but it doesn't matter how many times someone tells you that if you still think bad of yourself. So this is gonna sound very "self-help", but you really need to start taking yourself seriously and love yourself, and you will see the change, because you're your own worst enemy. And I hope writing about it and hearing what other people think will help!
Btw as for the playing together, and just as a side note and using Xyrus own example, do you know how many people from this site I actually have added on Steam and how many amongst those I actually play with? Probably around 4 in an universe of 12 or something like that, not to mention other friends I never get to play with - and even from that 4 the only person I've been playing with kinda regularly is Tim (also for obvious reasonings of being willing to sync timings). I'm thinking is probably the same in your case: sometimes when I notice you're also playing you're in a group with friends, and that's the way it's supposed to go, so you see, people like you, no one is thinking "oh that's the person that no one likes" (unless they're thinking about Icefrog, he's pretty disliked at the moment :D).
Stop overthinking things, be happier and ignore Xyrus advice partially because that 1% people over 5K he mentions also makes a lot of mistakes, as you can see in any pro game ever, although he's right that some people deserve some punchin' :)