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Ok so i have done Magnus, dont know whther or not its what you wanted but i think sticking a little to the base story is good. but i felt he needed something a focal point if you will so yea i gave he something to focus on more so then what he has.
hope you like.
Magnus
The harmonic beat of tribal drums echoed throughout the ritual chamber of Mount Joerlak. Dull red light, thrown off by the lava river running down one side of the chamber, washed the walls, sharp flickers of shadows danced like demons near the entrance of the chamber before being banished by the approaching light of the Matriarch of the Magnoceri. Her cloaked form was followed by the clan, their hooves tramping out a steady staccato that seemed to build and build in the Ritual chamber as more and more of them filed in, soon the sound could be felt as well as heard it became part of those gathered as much as apart from them it reverberated the walls of the chamber and each Magnoceros could be seen to sway and stamp with the beat as they moved to create a circle. Then suddenly without warning they all stopped and stared at the entrance.
two Magnoceros entered the chamber and headed towards the matriarch who was stood calmly within the center of the circle. they were true specimens of the Magnoceri beings who radiated power and strength. the Matriarch nodded to each as they sank to their forelegs in respect before her.
"you Magnus and you Raejak. One of you two are to be ordained as champions of the Magnoceri!"
At this proclamation the assembled roared with feeling filling the chamber with sound.
"With this being both your final test a fight, one winner, the loser will be banished to never return.”
“Begin”
They turned to each other and Magnus dipping his spear in respect to his foe. Raejak curled his lip in contempt before turning his haunches and trotting to the edge of the circle.
He then unsheathed the huge twin swords from his back and held them loose at his sides.
Magnus paused, looking at his opponent his eyes filled with hatred, Magnus only felt sorrow.
“You used to be my brother” he murmured before turning his back and slowly walking towards the opposite side of the circle.
Suddenly a bellow could be heard as Raejak Charged across the chamber towards Magnus his swords raised high to strike. Spinning on his hooves Magnus slid to the side deflecting a trailing sword with the shaft of his spear. Raejak skidded to a halt in the sand his swords sweeping around his hooves dug into the sand before leaping forwards again a sword skittering across the ground pulling his spear around Magnus thrust it straight at the center of Raejak’s chest, just as the point was to hit Raejak brought down hard upon the shaft his left sword before following through with his right sweeping it up at the head of Magnus who sunk his hindlegs allowing the sword to sail aimlessly over his head. Pushing off from his semi crouched position Magnus slams into Raejak forcing him off balance and sending him tumbling into the sand.
Fury fills Raejak’s eyes as he gathers himself up from the ground. Letting a roar of anger out he throws his Swords at Magnus who dodges to the side avoiding them but as the swords reach their apex Raejak Yanks on the two chains attached to the ends of the swords bringing them swinging towards Magnus and wrapping them around his legs with another mighty bellow he Yanks again at the chains whipping Magnus through the air to slam into the ground near the lava river.
“HA I thought you would provide greater sport then this Brother” yells Raejak.
“I do not want to hurt you brother but for the good of the Magnoceri I will.” Respond Magnus from where he is laying upon the sand.
Slowly standing upon his hooves Magnus gathers his spear to him and sets himself again, ready to face the charge.
“and it will take a lot more than your puny swords to hurt me.” He Taunts.
With cold light of promised death in his eyes Raejak powers himself forwards holding his swords in front of him. His hoof beats resonating with the drumming of the assembled throng.
Magnus watches his brother coming and raises his spear high above him. light begins to slowly build up within its depths fractal in nature it glitters then solidifies into a single source it throbs in time with the drums and its strength gets stronger and stronger as Raejak closes in Magnus with a mighty shout brings his spear down upon the ground infront of him with such force it raises a mighty sand cloud from the cloud the following shockwave is hurtled forwards at the charging Magnoceros.
The strength of the wave Flings Raejak backwards against the wall of the chamber with such force as to crack the stone before Falling to a heap at the base of the wall Where he does not get up again.
Galloping over to the fallen Magnoceros the Matriarch looks down upon him with sadness.
“you have failed the last test Raejak be gone from this place and never return.”
Painfully gaining his hooves, Raejak limps towards the exit of the chamber. holding his side he turns back at the entrance to look towards those assembled.
“I vowed that if none of kneeled before me then none of you will ever kneel again. This promise I shall keep”
Swinging back his arm Raejak flings one of swords into the chamber, Magnus ducks thinking it was aimed at him. The Matriarch shifts to the side thinking it was aimed at her.
Both were wrong.
The sword slams into the crack in the chamber wall were Raejak was flung with a resounding crash, it embeds all the way to the hilt leaving the attached chain swinging from it. Magnus drags his spear off the ground and charges towards Raejak as he does so a massive crack can be heard within the chamber causing all to stop and listen. Another crack can be heard, then another.
A split jumps from the sword imbedded in the wall then it grows and the crack jumps again. Soon the line is halfway to the roof of the chamber where it suddenly stops.
Silence rains down upon the gathered.
Magnus looks towards the entrance but Raejak is gone.
A rumbling can be heard within the depths of the mountain the sound builds within the stone before a massive crack echoes out across the mount. Molten lava explodes from the wall showering those standing near burning them to a crisp their screaming writhing bodies dancing in a parody of life.
The Matriarch turns towards Magnus fire eating away at her body,
“Avenge us Magnus” she moans through the pain as she stumbles towards him.
With her last effort she points towards the entrance
“Go Champion! Chase him! Find him! Kill him!”
With her last words in his ears Magnus levels his horn at the entrance and powers through it after the fleeing Raejak.
The chaos in the chamber is great as the assembled Magnoceri stampede towards the solo entrance everyone floods it causing those weaker to get trampled under hoof. The entrance becomes clogged slowing exit from the chamber. Lava starts to fill it up slowly encroaching upon the multitude trying to flee. A massive rumble can be heard deep within the mountain causing further panic to spread among the Magnoceri…
Magnus exits the Chamber tunnel on the outside of the mountain, rumbles and shakes can be felt under his hooves, looking around he can see in the distance the figure of Raejak galloping over a crest. Powering forwards he starts the chase but a massive explosion throws him from his hooves, glancing back at Mount Joerlak fire seems to be shooting from its summit, the sun begins to dim and everything gets very quiet before another massive explosion shakes the ground for leagues around. Massive boulders hurtle down the mountain side and fire begins to rain upon the surrounds.
No other Magnoceros exit the chamber tunnel.
Looking back at the fleeing figure, Magnus stamps his hoof. As boulders the size of castles fly down around him and the sky seems to as if on fire and the legions of hell have gained entrance to the mortal relm Magnus Rears back upon his hind quarters and bellows to the flaming skies.
“I will find you Brother and when I do I shall make as if you were nothing you will leave this world as if you were never here. On this I swear to avenge my people!”
Pausing in his gallop Raejak hears his Magnus’s vow and smiles.
Ok so i have done Magnus, dont know whther or not its what you wanted but i think sticking a little to the base story is good. but i felt he needed something a focal point if you will so yea i gave he something to focus on more so then what he has.
hope you like.
Magnus
The harmonic beat of tribal drums echoed throughout the ritual chamber of Mount Joerlak. Dull red light, thrown off by the lava river running down one side of the chamber, washed the walls, sharp flickers of shadows danced like demons near the entrance of the chamber before being banished by the approaching light of the Matriarch of the Magnoceri. Her cloaked form was followed by the clan, their hooves tramping out a steady staccato that seemed to build and build in the Ritual chamber as more and more of them filed in, soon the sound could be felt as well as heard it became part of those gathered as much as apart from them it reverberated the walls of the chamber and each Magnoceros could be seen to sway and stamp with the beat as they moved to create a circle. Then suddenly without warning they all stopped and stared at the entrance.
two Magnoceros entered the chamber and headed towards the matriarch who was stood calmly within the center of the circle. they were true specimens of the Magnoceri beings who radiated power and strength. the Matriarch nodded to each as they sank to their forelegs in respect before her.
"you Magnus and you Raejak. One of you two are to be ordained as champions of the Magnoceri!"
At this proclamation the assembled roared with feeling filling the chamber with sound.
"With this being both your final test a fight, one winner, the loser will be banished to never return.�
�Begin�
They turned to each other and Magnus dipping his spear in respect to his foe. Raejak curled his lip in contempt before turning his haunches and trotting to the edge of the circle.
He then unsheathed the huge twin swords from his back and held them loose at his sides.
Magnus paused, looking at his opponent his eyes filled with hatred, Magnus only felt sorrow.
�You used to be my brother� he murmured before turning his back and slowly walking towards the opposite side of the circle.
Suddenly a bellow could be heard as Raejak Charged across the chamber towards Magnus his swords raised high to strike. Spinning on his hooves Magnus slid to the side deflecting a trailing sword with the shaft of his spear. Raejak skidded to a halt in the sand his swords sweeping around his hooves dug into the sand before leaping forwards again a sword skittering across the ground pulling his spear around Magnus thrust it straight at the center of Raejak�s chest, just as the point was to hit Raejak brought down hard upon the shaft his left sword before following through with his right sweeping it up at the head of Magnus who sunk his hindlegs allowing the sword to sail aimlessly over his head. Pushing off from his semi crouched position Magnus slams into Raejak forcing him off balance and sending him tumbling into the sand.
Fury fills Raejak�s eyes as he gathers himself up from the ground. Letting a roar of anger out he throws his Swords at Magnus who dodges to the side avoiding them but as the swords reach their apex Raejak Yanks on the two chains attached to the ends of the swords bringing them swinging towards Magnus and wrapping them around his legs with another mighty bellow he Yanks again at the chains whipping Magnus through the air to slam into the ground near the lava river.
�HA I thought you would provide greater sport then this Brother� yells Raejak.
�I do not want to hurt you brother but for the good of the Magnoceri I will.� Respond Magnus from where he is laying upon the sand.
Slowly standing upon his hooves Magnus gathers his spear to him and sets himself again, ready to face the charge.
�and it will take a lot more than your puny swords to hurt me.� He Taunts.
With cold light of promised death in his eyes Raejak powers himself forwards holding his swords in front of him. His hoof beats resonating with the drumming of the assembled throng.
Magnus watches his brother coming and raises his spear high above him. light begins to slowly build up within its depths fractal in nature it glitters then solidifies into a single source it throbs in time with the drums and its strength gets stronger and stronger as Raejak closes in Magnus with a mighty shout brings his spear down upon the ground infront of him with such force it raises a mighty sand cloud from the cloud the following shockwave is hurtled forwards at the charging Magnoceros.
The strength of the wave Flings Raejak backwards against the wall of the chamber with such force as to crack the stone before Falling to a heap at the base of the wall Where he does not get up again.
Galloping over to the fallen Magnoceros the Matriarch looks down upon him with sadness.
�you have failed the last test Raejak be gone from this place and never return.�
Painfully gaining his hooves, Raejak limps towards the exit of the chamber. holding his side he turns back at the entrance to look towards those assembled.
�I vowed that if none of kneeled before me then none of you will ever kneel again. This promise I shall keep�
Swinging back his arm Raejak flings one of swords into the chamber, Magnus ducks thinking it was aimed at him. The Matriarch shifts to the side thinking it was aimed at her.
Both were wrong.
The sword slams into the crack in the chamber wall were Raejak was flung with a resounding crash, it embeds all the way to the hilt leaving the attached chain swinging from it. Magnus drags his spear off the ground and charges towards Raejak as he does so a massive crack can be heard within the chamber causing all to stop and listen. Another crack can be heard, then another.
A split jumps from the sword imbedded in the wall then it grows and the crack jumps again. Soon the line is halfway to the roof of the chamber where it suddenly stops.
Silence rains down upon the gathered.
Magnus looks towards the entrance but Raejak is gone.
A rumbling can be heard within the depths of the mountain the sound builds within the stone before a massive crack echoes out across the mount. Molten lava explodes from the wall showering those standing near burning them to a crisp their screaming writhing bodies dancing in a parody of life.
The Matriarch turns towards Magnus fire eating away at her body,
�Avenge us Magnus� she moans through the pain as she stumbles towards him.
With her last effort she points towards the entrance
�Go Champion! Chase him! Find him! Kill him!�
With her last words in his ears Magnus levels his horn at the entrance and powers through it after the fleeing Raejak.
The chaos in the chamber is great as the assembled Magnoceri stampede towards the solo entrance everyone floods it causing those weaker to get trampled under hoof. The entrance becomes clogged slowing exit from the chamber. Lava starts to fill it up slowly encroaching upon the multitude trying to flee. A massive rumble can be heard deep within the mountain causing further panic to spread among the Magnoceri�
Magnus exits the Chamber tunnel on the outside of the mountain, rumbles and shakes can be felt under his hooves, looking around he can see in the distance the figure of Raejak galloping over a crest. Powering forwards he starts the chase but a massive explosion throws him from his hooves, glancing back at Mount Joerlak fire seems to be shooting from its summit, the sun begins to dim and everything gets very quiet before another massive explosion shakes the ground for leagues around. Massive boulders hurtle down the mountain side and fire begins to rain upon the surrounds.
No other Magnoceros exit the chamber tunnel.
Looking back at the fleeing figure, Magnus stamps his hoof. As boulders the size of castles fly down around him and the sky seems to as if on fire and the legions of hell have gained entrance to the mortal relm Magnus Rears back upon his hind quarters and bellows to the flaming skies.
�I will find you Brother and when I do I shall make as if you were nothing you will leave this world as if you were never here. On this I swear to avenge my people!�
Pausing in his gallop Raejak hears his Magnus�s vow and smiles.
�I will be waiting brother�
Stil waiting for tiny, but going to put some critics.
The idea was good, a brother fighting each other for the martriarch and the loser gets angry and rekt everyones face. You may give some insights why Raejak hates Magnus so much, as of he had a grudge since he was born. Also, Im not really sure about the volcano. Magnus's skills are blue, and might be better if it was a snowy mountain. Also, take note of Magnus's fur. Thinking logically, he will die of hot air more than hunters and wars. Perhaps make it an avalanche?
Otherwise, great Idea and is close to perfect. Why dont they make a FoC contest with changing hero lores?
Waiting for tiny, but for now GG WP
well i was thinking along those lines but in his original lore it was a volcano and since he is basically a centaur with a horn which is close to a horse and horses love plains and hunters stay close to plains and since plains are usually cloud free the blue could also be attributed to a synergy with the sky?
the idea that Raejak hates magnus so much i think should be glossed over slightly since giving it a small explanation wont do it justice and giving it a big one would extend the lore to far into the short story territory. when creating a back story you need to provide the trivium.
-make enough to understand and relate.
-leave enough unsaid for them to imagine and ponder
-make the start closed and the ending open.
if i was doing a short story i would have started with a meeting between the two in the tunnel to flesh out their history.
i do like the idea of the avalanche though and i defiantly think that the FoC for lore needs to happen ..
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Memorable (82)
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Late credits to Janitsu for the sig
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