Welcome to The Alcove
It was a normal night; darkness enveloped the sky and waves crashed upon waves beneath the brisk breeze. On that night, only the sound of waves was heard—
No, there was one more sound, a voice.
There was an almost unheard scream, a scream concealed with waves' crashing. It was a desperate cry for help, a soundless plea of a lone boy, lost in cruel waves of a desolate sea. The boy was struggling, trying to find power to fight back the vicious current of salty seawater. Seeing a sliver of hope as his body felt the sea calming down, he tried to push his body forward... and failed.
He felt the calm movement of the sea pushing his body forward before he was hit by a merciless wave and was forced to submit. The cruel, pitiless force of the wave whisked his body away, completely disregarding his entire strength— as if mocking his entirety. Gasping desperately, he ended up being filled with water instead of air. His throat cold, his lungs almost out of air, and a gripping fear suddenly grasped his heart and stopped it for a second.
This fear he had never felt, nor even thought about.
Death.
It was the only thing that he could think about, the paralyzing thought of his own death stopped his mind from thinking. Panic, anxiety, and despair overwhelmed his bleak mind all at once. Dark, thick clouds enshrouded his mind, seawater on his red eyes blurred his vision, and his screaming finally came to an abrupt stop. Water had filled his lungs, stopping his capability to scream, to breathe, and even to stay conscious.
He strived to stay awake, but the pain of taking another breath almost stopped him from trying, he tried to gasp for air but his lungs seemed ready to burst. His body floated in the sea; weak and powerless, his bones crushed slowly with unrelenting, ruthless waves crashing unto him. He was tired.
Can I stop now? I really want to close my eyes. Let me sleep already.
Then another wave crashed him unto a rock. Just like that, his breath stopped. Did he die? Yes, in every definition possible. The strange thing was that he could still think and he could still feel; his heart had stopped beating and his brain had stopped working, yet he still felt the rock crushing his ribcage. He felt his body moving–lifeless like a rag doll– away from the rock and crashed again unto it. He could still feel the freezing numb of his blood, the saltiness of his lips, and he could still think about his death. The dark cloud in his mind had gone, and now, after his heart stopped beating and his brain stopped working his mind was crystal clear at last. Then, in his clarity he noticed.
He did not feel any pain.
I know because I am that boy. Was, at least. I looked into that lifeless pile of flesh, crashing repeatedly onto the same rock that killed him, and I felt nothing. Not even the smallest bit of sadness or regret, unlike what I probably should have felt. When I saw his –my– eyes without any glimmer of light, I only felt something inexplicable, closest only to a feeling of disgust and… loneliness?
I was trying to come in terms with this absurd situation I had found myself in-trying to comprehend anything that had happened to me–when everything around me seemed to be set ablaze by a luminous luster of inexplicable energy. It was calling out to me; once, twice, and as I heard my name sounded -reverberated- thrice, I stopped thinking of my surrounding, and during those mere seconds of a... 'link', everything had changed.
Suddenly clothed in a white robe -supposedly unfitting for a kid like me- I noticed I was no longer a kid. My vision seemed to be twice as tall as it used to be, and I was very sure that I was not on higher ground. I raised my arm to my vision and I noticed that it was far bigger than it used to be. I could not fathom this situation, yet at the same time I felt that I didn’t need to. As I was thinking, a voice was spoken within the silence:
“Welcome to The Alcove”
P.S: Sorry if I messed up again, I tried my best to make it stay in my writing style, so I needed to improvise. Please point out again any mistakes lol
okay, here goes.
There was an almost unheard voice of muffled scream, a scream concealed with waves crashing by the sound of the thunderous waves crashing along the shore . It was a desperate plea for help, a soundless 1.cry of one whole being, all coming from a boy in midst of cold, cruel waves plea of a lonely child, lost in the cruel, desolate sea. The boy was struggling, trying to find power to fight back the vicious current of salty seawater.2. He succeeded. His power emerged , and with all his strength he pushed his body forward and failed.Then, he saw a glimmer of hope in the temporarily misguiding calm of the sea and, with all his strength he pushed his body forward...and failed..
He felt his strength surging inside him felt the calm command of the sea , pushing his body forward before he was hit by a merciless wave and was forced to submit. The full force of night (what is that supposed to mean?)wave pushed his body back, completely disregarding his entire strength as if mocking him his entire being. Gasping furiously desperately, he ended up being filled with water instead of air. His throat cold, his lungs almost out of air, and a gripping fear suddenly grasped his heart and stopped it for a second.
This fear he had never felt, nor even thought about.
Death.
1.Some part of this was not needed. I see that you have put effort to use words which start with the same letter (cold cruel waves), and that is good, but this kind of figure of speech is better suited for poems and haikus in my opinion.
2. This part was unnecessarily confusing for people who will not read this blog post in depth.I realize that this part symbolises the small glimmer of hope that he hangs on to,but which is taken away from him, so I replaced with a sentence which is somewhat easier to understand and interpret =)
The underline is unnecessary and to be removed.
The italics refer to the original lines.
The bold lines are the ones that i think would better fit the story.
will continue in next post
edit: join this chat room to make things easier http://www.twiddla.com/1826483
With this I suppose my first chapter is confirmed to come lol
About this part:
Can I stop now? I really want to close my eyes. Let me sleep already.
It is actually intended to be an important point in the first place. However, it still hangs in my head whether I'll use it or not (at least in the first chapter), I really think that I'll use it later on.
Thanks for the feedback Smuggles! They really help a lot! Especially with me not being native speaker and all haha
really well written. some grammar problems and sentence structure weaknesses but ill leave that to KoDy.
hmmm
honestly it is well written. not much for me to say, i mean i could say stuff but i feel that would just be nit picking.
should i nit pick? argggh ok i shall!
- amazing use of exposition thoughout, slight misuse of words in places but reading it it kinda is skimmed over.
- the setting is built well not all at once but fed to the reader nicely. plus heaps of setting would draw away from the crux of the story which is the progression of the boys thoughts so leaving it slightly starved is well done.
- plot is nice. the change of perspective is a bit to sharp but i feel that might have been needed to drive it along.
- i would either lose the sentence
Can I stop now? I really want to close my eyes. Let me sleep already.
or insert it into the paragraph before hand.
He strived to stay awake, but the pain of taking another breath almost stopped him from trying, he tried to gasp for air but his lung seemed ready to burst. His body floated in the sea; weak and powerless, his bones crushed slowly with unrelenting, ruthless waves crashing unto him. He was tired. All he wanted to do was stop, to give up, to close his eyes and let the waves take him away.
by having it outside of the paragraph your drawing attention to it. or basically "SPOTLIGHTING" it. spotlighting is when you want the reader to take particular attention to a sentence of word so you remove it from the structure. in this case its not needed.
UNLESSSSS its integral to the story and you WANTED to spotlight it to the reader ...
IN THAT CASE leave it as it is.
but if you dont then i would cut it or meld it.
- amazing flow through out. grammar problems but nothing to get all crazy about.
- the structure is superb. could use some spacing in places but still. i applaud you.
- the "turn" is nice a bit ..sudden you could ahve revealed it in a more softer way but thats more a writers choice kinda issue so its generally up to you.
overall
7.8/10
superb job. well thought out. well written. some harshness in the words but that will go with time. amazing job.
+rep
It looks fine. So he went to heaven?
Better wait for smuggles.... He's the professor here
I AM waiting for Smuggles lol
I'd explain about The Alcove in the first chapter (my next post), as well as him being in heaven or not. Do wait for it :D
Better wait for smuggls.... He's the professor here
Gonna be waiting for you pointing out the tweaks KoDyAbAbA!
I'll be posting the first chapter probably around next week, do wait for it please :p
No seriously, it's awesome. :D
No seriously, it's awesome. :D
some small tweaks i'm too lazy to point out right now :3
If you all like this story, please comment and give me feedback because it would be one more positive feedback going into the writing of my other chapters!