The Legend of Doritos

Something I wrote for fun.
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There she stood, smiling coyly at anyone who would look her way. From my seat, I witnessed her spurn all advances directed towards her, leaving a large number of disappointed people in her wake… until she looked at me.

"AYY LMAO," I said, and her eyes widened. She dived onto my lap, undressing down to underclothes in an instant in an ecstasy of memes and lens flares. Michael Rosen smacked his lips and nodded, "Nice." Her lips, more perfect than RTZ's GPM, moved closer to mine…

***

I awoke, and remembered the harshness of reality - that I was not yet an MLG n0sk0p3 m45t3r, and that there were no pretty gamer grills I could seduce with a come hither look and a tipped fedora.

I staggered out of bed, trying to avoid stepping on any empty Doritos wrappers or cans of Mountain Dew. Successfully navigating the minefield of snacks that littered the floor, I opened the door and stumbled into the hallway, heading for the bathroom. I turned on the shower, washing my hair with only the most premium Mountain Dew Brand products, humming the tune to 'Bullseye' as I did so.

After the shower, I poured myself a bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal and turned on my computer. The Faze Clan logo flashed across the screen, and when a popup appeared I remembered - it was the Steam Summer Sale!

I screamed 'MOM GET THE CAMERA' in joy before diving right into the massive sales. Civ V, Binding of Isaac - even Half-Life 3 was on sale!

And then I realised. Half-Life 3. Three sides on a triangle. The Illuminati had taken over Steam!

I fell to my knees and prayed. "Oh Lord Gaben, speak to me! Tell me how such a monstrous event has come to pass!"

A choir of angels heralded a heavenly presence with a hymn on airhorns, and the Divine Lord Gaben hovered down from the skies, manifested in front of me.

"Greetings, my child. As you are aware, my Volvo, my precious Summer Sale, has been corrupted by the Loomynarty," he spoke, the angels muttering 'Praise Steam' at the mention of the Summer Sale. "Seek thee to liberate the world from the grasp of evil?"

"Anything, lord!" I gasped.

"To do this, you must seek out Snoop Dogg, for he possesses a weapon that will allow you to Shrek the Loomynarty."

"Shrek is love, Shrek is life," I intoned.

"Indeed," Gaben smiled at me. "I shall give you a mark, so people know of your divine mission."

I looked up at the Lord with hopeful eyes, and his hand reached down and touched my shoulder. A lens flare overtook me briefly, and when it cleared I saw my blessing - the MLG logo over crossed airhorns, tattooed onto the place he had touched.

I glanced up. Lord Gaben had gone. But his mission remained.