How to Pwn at DOTA you n00b!!!

How to Win

A lot of people make DOTA seem complicated with all this bull about teamwork, strategy and adapting to the situation. BULL! DOTA IS NO MORE COMPLICATED THAN CALL OF DUTY!

HERE IS HOW TO WIN AT DOTA:

1) GET MORE KILLS THAN EVERYONE ELSE

Unfortunately some n00b at Valve set the game to team deathmatch, but they will fix it soon. You're obviously a n00b if you need to know more than this, but I'm willing to share my moves as long as you acknowledge my greatness everytime you win.

And no matter what anyone says about that stupid thing exploding at the end, this is only important if it means you can spawn camp the enemy team to get more killz.

Rule 1: I am more important than everyone else

Whatever you do, you must never forget this rule! It could lead to you getting less kills than someone else and loooosing the game!

Here is some specific advice on the different areas of the game:

FARMING:

HITTING CREEPS IS EASY, ONLY NOOBS EVER MISS LAST HITS. FARMING IS IMPORTANT AS IT GIVES YOU MORE GOLD TO GET ITEMS AND KILL PEOPLE WITH THEM. It is also important cos when you get to be an expert like me, a high GPM/XPM gives you something else to tell everyone else about and shows how good you are.

REMEMBER YOU R THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON ON THE TEAM. This means no matter what hero you play, you have to farm, so don't let those n00bs on your team try and convince you otherwise. A good competition for farm amongst your team is fun for everyone, and gives you the chance to show them how much better you are than them, and how lucky they are to have you on the team.

---

KILLS:

THIS IS WHAT THE GAME IS ALL ABOUT! YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET KILLS! LUCKILY KILLS ARE LIKE FARMING, YOU ONLY NEED TO GET THE LAST HIT! Either kill enemy heroes on your own, or make sure you have enough damage to stop anyone else on your team from getting it. Dagon helps a lot here, get it on every character and upgrade it to level 5.

---

ITEMS:

YOU NEED THESE ITEMS EVERY GAME COS THEY ARE THE BEST ONES. DOTA IS A SIMPLE GAME, THESE ARE THE BEST ITEMS, GET OVER IT.

Dagon - stops n00bs from stealing your kills.

Divine Rapier - it PWNS almost as much as you. You need to get this every game to teabag the opposition.

Hand of Midas - stops n00bs stealing your farm, makes you even more awesome.

Battle Fury - works on EVERY character, at ANY point in the game. Helps you to stomp n00bs.

Shadow Blade - makes you totally invincible so you can LOL at those n00bs who thought they could kill you!

---

SHOW OFF YOUR MAD SKILLZ:

After you have spent the first part of the game BEING AWESOME while those losers from your team hung round doing stuff while you farmed, it's REALLY IMPORTANT TO DEMORALISE THE ENEMY TEAM BY SHOWING THEM HOW GOOD YOU ARE. This is also helping everyone in the game as you show them how to play it better.

Do stuff like farming enemy ancients and then Blinking away just as the enemy team are about to kill you. Go in for AWESOME PRO KILLS 5v1 so they can see how GREAT YOU ARE.

The best thing is that this never ever goes wrong, or relies on perfect judgement. NOTHING UNEXPECTED EVER HAPPENS, so never take the safe option and miss an opportunity to teabag the enemy. If that hot girl from from your class at school was here, she couldn't keep her hands off you once she saw you play Anti-Mage.

If through some fluke you are killed, see RULE 3.

Rule 2: Always stick to the plan

In some games people on both teams will gang up against you to try and stop you from winning. This is to be expected as they've probably heard how awesome you are. The only reason Dendi and Puppey haven't invited you to join Na'Vi yet is because THEY'RE SCARED you'll show how bad they really are and will lose all their sponsorships. N00bs.

Anyway, like in the game, you must not get distracted; stick to the plan...

THE PLAN:

1) GET FARM
2) BUY ITEMS
3) KILL NOOBS
4) BRAG
5) REPEAT

Sooner or later some spoilsport will kill the stupid exploding rock thing, or the other team will be so intimidated by your awesomeness that they will quit. GET AS MANY KILLS AS YOU CAN BEFORE THAT HAPPENS.

BUILD ORDERS:

Every hero has a build order that will GET YOU THE MOST KILLS. It's important not to be distracted by anything from this PERFECT LEVELLING AND ITEM BUYING ORDER. Like I said, your team may try to sabotage you by losing or winning before you're ready, BUT YOU MUST STICK TO THE PLAN NO MATTER WHAT.

People may go on about the enemy team having pushers when you go Hand of Midas, or them having Faceless Void against your hard carry Crystal Maiden (extra teabagging YEAH), but it's important that you still complete your Battle Fury no matter what! Those n00bs obviously don't understand how much YOUR GODLIKE SKILL compensates for your hero.

Rule 3: It's always somebody else's fault

There will be times in DOTA where you don't get the most kills, and lose. That's mainly because you're not me. You have to remember though that it's not your fault, and you should in no way examine what might have gone wrong or what you could have done differently. THE PLAN IS FLAWLESS AND IT ALWAYS WORKS. When it doesn't work, you need to quickly find and allocate blame to one of the n00bs on your team.

Your first choice should be anyone who has even slightly hindered you in any way or failed to live up to your expectations - they are responsible for ruining "the plan". Set your expectations high, as this will help your team to get better at not sucking so much. Lack of gold, mana, items, abilities on cooldown, and most of all, BEING DEAD are NOT ACCEPTABLE EXCUSES for them not doing the few piddling things you require of them. If you need a heal and they haven't picked a healer, then they need to stop being such a n00b and make better picks.

Next, look for people with the least number of kills - they're just holding your team back. If all that fails, just start abusing people at random - treat em mean, keep em keen - it always works!

Getting your flaming right is a really key skill - don't ever think up anything clever or original as you need to concentrate on farming, just be as rude and offensive as possible in the limited space available. This will put your team in their place and make them respect you. They will definitely play better now they know the kind of verbal firepower you have at your command!

At this point, it's useful to be able to speak a different language from the box you ticked in matchmaking - there's nothing players enjoy more than being shouted at angrily in a foreign tongue that they don't understand.

Rule 4: Dealing with your Team

Your team have a really simple job - accept you're their best player by miles and try not to get in your way. Really they should buy all your consumables for you and only hang round when you want them to do something. Unfortunately, most teams are too n00b to understand this and try to interfere with "the plan". If so, refer to RULE 3.

No matter what, it's important that you REMEMBER RULE #1. You should only ever join "team" fights when you can get kills - the best time to do this is when most of your team is dead but have worn the enemy down for you to last hit. You have to be careful though, as sometimes those n00bs on your team might actually kill someone without your help (usually though pure luck) and you might have to get involved in case they start getting more kills than you.

Watch out for sneaky players who start talking to other team mates to try and get more kills than you. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MUST YOU BEGIN TALKING TO OTHER PLAYERS, APART FROM TO TELL THEM HOW MUCH THEY SUCK. HELL WHAT NEXT WE ALL GOING TO GROW OUR HAIR LONG AND START A DRUM CIRCLE? RUN ROUND WITH FLOWERS, HUGGING TREES? DAMNED HIPPIES YOU MAKE ME SICK.

DON'T LET THIS DISTRACT YOU FROM FARMING, NO MATTER WHAT. THIS GOES DOUBLE FOR SHOPPING. YOU MUST ALWAYS BUY YOUR ITEMS IMMEDIATELY NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING.


TEAM PICKS:

ALWAYS PICK THE BEST HERO EVERY GAME (you know which one this is, the one everyone is currently complaining is OP). It doesn't matter when you do this, the plan is unstoppable anyway so the enemy team can't counterpick, and your team don't matter anyway. Sometimes it's funny to pick really late and inappropriately to make this easy game more of a challenge. Your team should just move to accomodate you - see above.

FINALLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, REMEMBER THAT THE Animal Courier IS YOUR PERSONAL PROPERTY AND SHOULD BE AT YOUR BECK AND CALL AT EVERY SECOND OF THE GAME.

And Yes

This is meant to be a joke!