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From noob to pro in 10 easy steps!
Have you ever wondered how there always seems to be that one guy in your team who is better than everyone else and his skills are going to waste cause he has been unlucky to be teamed up with noobs who CYKA?
You wish you could do as good as him but you're not sure if you have the skills yet? Don't worry, it's more about attitude than it is about skills. Following these 10 easy steps you're guaranteed to become as useful asset to your team as he is.
1. Always blame your teammates.
Cause nothing will make your teams winning chances better than hopefully make the people in your team feel bad about themselves. A very smart and original way of putting them down is telling them to delete dota or even delete life. That's just hilarious. If you're feeling extra funny you can also tell them to go play Mario or Tetris, cause everybody knows Tetris is some lame game which only has some freaking blocks on it and you just move them around and thus it is very easy game to play well.
The more you call them noobs the bigger the chances they start defending themselves and want to discuss more about their side of the story, why things went wrong etc or coming up with examples like they're playing that random picked or single drafted hero for the first time. Whatever the reason it forces them to start using more of the time typing than moving their hero or in general playing the game.
Nothing will make your team stronger against your enemy than having two or more people constantly communicating with each other in a civil manner with each other as new battles arise. Communication is the key to a good teamwork as we all know.
In a best case scenario they may even disconnect from the game in the middle or start being more and more afk so they won't be there to feed anymore. Anyway usually any words of wisdom changed between teammates after you've told them they suck are there to rise up the whole moral of your team.
So in short; your teammates suck, don't let them forget it. Which brings us to the next section:
And your job in team is to let them know that. It doesn't really matter how well your opponent is playing together as a team, how skilled players and good team spirit they may have, the most important thing for you to do when things go bad IS NOT to learn how your opponent is playing and what kind of skills and equipment they use or learn from your own mistakes.
Instead the most important thing to do is to find apparently the weakest link in your team and make sure he knows he's useless and the failure you are facing is his fault and his fault only.
If you check the score and it says you are doing the worst in your team that's bad since it forces you to become more creative in the ways you blame them noobs. They can make a good comeback easily so try to remember to check the scoreboard constantly which tells everything there is to this game who's good and who's noob. Don't forget though that you can always quit the game in the middle if you keep doing bad and it's starting to become quite obvious for others too that despite all the blaming others thing you have going on, you're not really a pro yourself.
It's also a good idea not to tell them what they are doing wrong in your opinion. It's not your job to use your valuable time which you are spending losing the game cause of the noobs in your team telling them what you think they could do different. It's just simpler and easier to call them noobs. I mean you can check the scoreboard any time, if that Rubick or Tiny teammate of yours has 0 kills and 5 deaths, it means he's the noobest of them all, always make sure he knows it if he hasnt checked the score himself. No point even trying to teach something for someone so noob as that.
If you really must teach them something other than they suck you can tell them to stop feeding. Cause nothing serves them more right after they've taken a chance to turn the game around and failed than pointing out the obvious failure again. The more experienced the player is, the more useful it is to remind him that feeding is bad cause he has played for so long that he might have forgotten it.
Well this is pretty self explanatory; It's very important to let every anonymous in the internet know that you are a good player but you're just having bad luck cause you always end up in a team which loses. Don't worry about letting others know that you probably cry a lot in real life too and you haven't lost just this match, you have a habit of doing it most of the time, well actually in every game as in "always". But they should know it's always your teams fault though.
Even if you're playing a hero suitable for support. There's always some sucker in your team who doesn't realize that it's not necessary to buy them cause there will always be some other sucker doing it sooner or later. What do they cost? Like 500 gold a piece anyways. Who cares, not your job to buy them, ever! Such a common noob mistake to spend your hard earned kill-steal money for something that will benefit your whole team and not only yourself.
Also make sure your teammates know they're never welcome to stay in your lane for even a second, especially if youre a support and the other one's a carry. It just serves him right to be left with nothing if he has come there to gank in your lane and screwed it up all because of his noobiness and afterwards steals a couple of last hits on his way out.
Well actually you shouldn't be playing as a support anyways cause those are for noobs who dont realise that as a support its not easy to to get those mega kill streaks which you tend to get every now and then by accident while playing only with one hand when always playing only Riki or Drow for example.
Sometimes noobs in your team may think that it's important for them to get their items delivered by a courier they have bought and often bought it even flying. Don't fall for that, you can always and anytime start moving the courier as you please cause your equipment is more important since you're the one who is the pro. The noobs in your team are probably gonna be just feeling more better about their chances in battles and thus start feeding more if they get better items so its your responsibility to not them get good use of the courier but instead use it yourself.
If they start to get angry and tell others that you've stolen their courier after it had almost reached them, you can always just counter argue that they stole the courier from you first. It doesn't really matter that it's not true and who cares anyway what those useless noobs in your team think of you but at least you will get some more useful communication going on. (You can read more about the importance of team communication in section 2.)
More often than not (pretty much always since you're so "unlucky" as seen in section 5) you will be teamed up with noobs and lose. There's no point in playing anymore after your team has lets say 10 kills and the other team just got its 15th kill. Call publicly gg so everyone else knows that youre not even really trying anymore and it will also drain out the false hope your noob teammates may still have left cause they know they have now 1 player less in the team who is doing his best. That way your team mates will probably stop trying sooner too and you will have lots of useful quality time blaming each other and communicating afterwards who messed it all up.
We all know that if we dont count the whining, the winning is the most important aspect of this game and if the game has gone lets say for 45 minutes and its been so even and exciting game that you're not sure yet if you're gonna be in the winning team, then all the more reason to unpause the game all the time.
The more time you can play while someone from the other team is for example reconnecting cause of some bug or technical problems, the easier it is for you to win.
Nothing feels better for you and maybe even your teammates if they're smart people than knowing that you might not have won the long match if you hadn't stepped up and constantly hit that F9 button when their carry was afk and you could take him out easily and continue playing. I mean it's their problem isn't it, I don't care if there's any reason, who would start afk:ing in a middle of long game for half a minute or 2? I mean the least they could do is "buy some internet" if they get disconnected in the middle.
Sometimes you get teamed up with an actual newbie, I mean someone who is actually playing the game for the first time or it's one of his first times. Now if you're ever really going to seem like a pro in a shining armor compared to some noob in your team, here's your big chance! Don't ever let this opportunity to go. Usually you can spot a first timer easily by the way he says something like "this is my first time playing dota. Sorry if i suck" or something like that. Now we all better players know that saying something like that is so noobish that you cant really get any more noob than that. It's like a mating call to invite everyone else to punch you in the face.
Make sure a first timer knows he has ruined the game for everyone else. And really, why is he even playing this game if he has never played this game before? Of course everyone should know before playing dota that dota is one of those few games in the world where you just cant choose the most obvious option as a beginner to find a match and then learn the game as you play. Instead they should know without any feedback from the game client that before playing with others they should find an option in the main menu to create a lobby of their own and fill it up with bots. I mean that's so obvious for anyone who has played even a one match, why can't they think of it before finding a match. Just like everyone always reads the manual before trying out a new game or a machine, they should know that of course the learning section and lobby options are there for a reason in Dota too. It's noobs own fault if he doesnt know them.
"You can be a noob but dont be a stupid noob". That's something you can say to a noob if he doesnt know what to do or he dies. Also they shouldnt play the game with you if they've only played the game with bots before. The least they could do is to play a few games with other noobs before they team up with you. They should also play each hero in the game for a few times against bots before playing it on public or choosing a single draft game mode. Playing one of the 100+ heroes for the first time in a normal match? How noob can you get. Don't worry, you're allowed to do that yourself, you're not some stupid noob who is gonna fail in any way ever. Well okay sometimes it may happen to even best of us but if you still haven't figured out what to do then, read sections 1-3 and the rest of this guide again.
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