Emm I have a Quersion. How the F u c k Do i play this game?

Well I can't offer my services since I can barely play in my own region let alone another one. (I hate my internet ;-;)

Anyways, might want to look at Dota 2 Beginner's Guide on Youtube. Those were the things I did first.

A few worth mentioning:
Welcome to Dota 2. You suck. (feat. PurgeGamers)
Dota 2: Big Mistakes Noobs Make #1 (VideoGamer.com) - VideoGamer
DOTA 2 MMR Guide: 1K - 5K MMR In a Week - Day 1 (Improve Your MMR Instantly!)

First result on youtube if you copy and paste those videos. Comprehensive and just fun to watch overall. If you ever get bored you can check out pro gameplays, I'd recommend players like Arteezy, SingSing, AdmirallBulldog since they're fun to watch. :D

Next you should find at least 3 heroes that you're comfortable with. (Or even 1). Learn the mechanics of Dota first like last hitting and when to go for a kill or not. From then on you can branch off to trying out all the heroes to find out what each heroes do and how you can counter that.

Recommended heroes: Drow Ranger, Sniper, Riki, Huskar, Axe, Lich, Necrophos, Ursa, Bristleback and many more.

Heroes you'll want to avoid playing until you're at least decent at the game: Earth Spirit, Invoker, Meepo, Visage, Puck, Enchantress, Chen

Oh and if you're ever doubting yourself then just play some bots with other people and once you feel like you're ready, hit the matchmaking!